Normal

Posted on June 5, 2015 by clubfredbaja

By now a few people in my life know that the situation with my sister’s leukemia has taken a not-so-great turn. She had begun her third round of chemotherapy from home, which we thought was a good sign, but then she was taken back to the emergency ward by ambulance with a very high fever that turned out to be pneumonia. At this moment, she is in a private room on some pretty potent pain killers and struggling through a tough time both mentally and physically.

Having walked this path before, I can tell you how difficult it is to know or predict how bad (or not) things are. I’ve been told that her condition is not good but not something to panic about. I’ve also been told that I need to get my butt to the hospital sooner rather than later if I want to spend time with my sister.

With my mother’s illness, I remember being called and told I needed to get to the hospital NOW because she could die any minute. Through a blur of tears I dressed and drove to see her one last time. It was a false alarm. She stabilized and was fine the next day. She lived for another two years after that. Cancer is tricksy.

A palliative care nurse gave me possibly the best words of wisdom where cancer is concerned: It’s a marathon not a sprint.

I’m going to book a plane ticket to the island to go visit my sister again, with the full knowledge that she may be just fine by the time I arrive. Or not fine at all. And I know that I may go through this again in a month, six months, a year from now, or not at all. This is one of those situations where it truly is better to be safe than sorry.

Cancer forces you to redefine “normal”. Only remission or death can end this new state. Until then, life is lived on tenterhooks. Uncertainty is king. Nothing changes and everything changes. Every day you wake up and go through your normal routine but you do so while playing the most twisted version of Russian roulette you can imagine. Maybe today you’ll get the best news in the world and the person you love will magically begin to recover or maybe today will be the day that you will have to carry on living without them.

As tough as it is for the family members or close friends of a patient, in some ways it’s much worse for their friends, co-workers, and extended family members. Death is simple–you say you’re sorry and offer condolences. This? This limbo? What are you supposed to say? How are you supposed to act? Does the person want you to be sympathetic or uplifting or to just act as if nothing has happened?

I can’t speak for anyone else but I can tell you what I want: I want you to do or say what you want.

That’s it.

If you feel sad for me and want to tell me so, please do. If you’re uncomfortable talking about me and my sister, then just talk about whatever we normally talk about (probably cats). If you want to ask me how my sister is doing, go ahead and ask. If I break down and cry at some point while I answer, don’t feel bad. Sad people cry sometimes. If you are worried about being too happy around me, perish the thought. Your happiness makes me happy. If you have good news, share it! I love good news. If you want to hug me, I will not say no unless I am holding a Fabergé egg and I’m worried about dropping or damaging it. If you want to discuss the proper BMI for surviving both chemotherapy and the zombie apocalypse, I am all ears. (Thank you, Andy).

There’s no need for tiptoeing gently around the subject with me, either. It’s an awful, messy, painful, frustrating, and confusing situation and pretending otherwise is a waste of everyone’s time. Yes, there is an undercurrent of sorrow running through my life now but there are only so many hours in a week that a person can actually be sad. It’s exhausting. The rest of the time I’m just the same old me–writing, watching funny cat videos, eating chocolate, making lame jokes, etc.

Kristene Perron on a pillow with kittens

Just another normal day

As I wrote about earlier, life really does go on.

I want to be profound and poetic here but cancer has, at least temporarily, stripped that ability from me. That’s also part of the new normal. Sometimes you just can’t dig deep enough to find the person you know you are.

If there’s any good thing that comes from cancer–and shockingly sometimes there are good things–it is that it forces us to realize that “normal” is an illusion, a construct, wishful thinking at best. Anything we love can be lost and our lives can be upended in a single day.

Love hard, laugh often, and say thanks for everything good in your life.

Posted in Friends, Health and wellness, Life | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Love Thy Neighbour

Posted on June 1, 2015 by clubfredbaja

Woman smoking a cigarette

Last week our truck was broken into. That may be a bit misleading since the truck was unlocked. Prez’s fault. He’d come home from work, exhausted, and had forgotten to lock up. The thieves only took a bag of quarters we keep in there for the parking meters and a phone charger but, even so, no one enjoys being robbed.

Surprisingly, the thieves were caught. Young boys, roaming and probably just having some kicks. It was our neighbour who spotted them at 3am and called the police. We talked about it a few days after the fact and she jokingly referred to herself as the Neighbourhood Watch.

It’s my neighbour I want to tell you about, not the thieves.

We’ve been in this basement suite for over three years now. Like most houses in Nelson, ours is older but fixed up. We live in a middle class neighbourhood that’s quiet, clean, and close to the lake and downtown. We have a wonderful, generous landlord who lives upstairs and our street has loads of beautiful trees and gardens.

“But it’s a shame about the neighbour,” I said to Prez, shortly after moving in.

The neighbours on our right have a front yard with a distinct redneck flavour, complete with the old car on blocks. They occasionally park a grocery cart in front of the house before returning it to the Safeway. Most days she—I’ll call her Sam—can be found on the front porch smoking.

Sam looks as if she’s lived hard. Her voice has the gravelly quality of a lifelong chain smoker. Overweight, with a deep scar on one shoulder, everything about her appearance fits with the front yard: redneck. I couldn’t accuse her of unfriendliness though. Every time I walk by or pass her in the street she has a smile and something to say. Once she warned me to be careful at the crosswalk. “I got hit by a car here,” she said. “Twice.”

How does someone get hit by a car twice at the same crosswalk?

I made a few jokes about Sam to Prez and we both quietly laughed at the kooky lady next door. Underneath the jokes, however, was an unstated belief that Sam was lower than us. That she was, for all her good natured greetings, one of “those” people.

I’m a very judgmental person. I don’t like to think I am but I know it’s true. Knowing that, I try to catch myself. I try not to let my instinct trump my intention. Most of the time I catch it and force myself to remain open minded. Sometimes I fail and I shove a person into stereotype because it’s easier than empathy.

It’s easy to judge people. It’s easy to divide things into neat little boxes of Us and Them. You could argue that it’s tribal bonding behaviour and I wouldn’t disagree but it’s also behaviour based in fear and ignorance. If you want to be smart, successful, and respected, someone like Sam represents everything you don’t want to be. Ridiculing her is a form of self-defense.

*

Today the Vanity Fair cover featuring Bruce Jenner’s transition to his female self, Caitlyn, popped up on my Facebook feed. I haven’t been following this story closely but I’m well-versed enough to know what would follow. Among my conservative Facebook friends, there were posts decrying Jenner’s change. Among my liberal Facebook friends there were posts celebrating Jenner’s change. Usually I would just skim over this sort of divisive story but I think this is too important to ignore and it hits close to home.

A few months after Prez and I first met, his older brother came out to his family as gay. Prez was devastated. Beyond feeling bad for the effect of this news on his brother’s wife and kids, I wasn’t shocked or offended. I’m eight years younger than Prez and my generation was already starting to realize that gay was not a choice and not a “sin” when I was in high school.

It has taken a long time for Prez to come to terms with this new reality and we’ve had a lot of uncomfortable talks on the subject. Most of all, though, I think he’s seen over the years that his brother is still his brother, nothing has changed there, and that what matters is that his brother is happy and no longer living a lie.

I’m proud of my husband for making the effort to empathize and to change his views. I know it has not been easy for him. But I also wonder if it were not for his brother would he still be stuck in that old, ignorant way of thinking? He’s done the work because he loves his brother. It’s hard to hate something blindly when you see it on the face of someone you care about.

When I read the comments about Jenner today, so filled with disgust and self-righteousness, I couldn’t help but wonder if these people would be so quick to share their venom if the person in question was their brother, their sister, their best friend, their father or mother, their son or daughter? They are so quick to judge because they understand so little. Because they are afraid. They often use their holy book of choice as an excuse but it comes down to fear, ignorance and a lack of empathy.

How does Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn Jenner affect me? Not at all. My life goes on as normal. The world, as far as I can tell, is still spinning.

Before you judge someone as wrong or lower or sinful, really ask how that person’s existence affects your day-to-day life. Chances are it does not. Not at all.

*

I know a gay couple in this city who adopted two young children, a brother and sister, twins. These women have given two at-risk kids, who do not share their adopted parents’ skin colour, a loving and safe home. They also maintain contact with the children’s biological mother. I’ve met the kids; they’re so lovely and so comfortable with their moms. They are going to have an amazing life.

If this were a news story posted across the internet far and wide, I know what kind of vitriol many of the comments would contain. But how many of those commenters would do the same? How many would take in those two kids and love and raise them as their own? I think 10% would be a generous guess.

I’m adopted. It was easier for my parents because I was a baby when I came to their home and I mostly looked like them. But I know what it means to be taken in and loved by parents who have the desire and means to properly care for a child. I thank my lucky stars every single day for my parents and the sea change of difference they made in my life. Those two women raising those twins have nothing but my complete and utter respect and admiration.

Those two women being gay, living together and raising their adopted children does not affect my life. But they sure have affected the lives of those kids, for the better.

See, here’s what I’ve learned about judgment: It’s not always a bad thing. Judging people out of fear and ignorance and lack of empathy is terrible. Judging people on their behaviour and on their treatment of their fellow humans is a great way to choose only the best people to share in your life. It’s how you learn and grow and strive to be better.

*

My neighbour, Sam, caught the kids stealing from our truck because she is a smoker and was awake and on her porch at 3am to light up. That’s not the only kind thing she has done for us. When she found out Fred and I were divers, she dug up a bunch of old National Geographic magazines from her collection with diving articles she thought we would enjoy. She came over and closed the garage door when our landlord had accidentally left it open. She talked the police out of giving me a $200 ticket for making an illegal left turn and then promptly let me know that said left turn was illegal (I didn’t know!). She’s brought us squash from her garden. She bought my book for her father.

And, as always, she still makes time to say hello whenever I walk by.

Sam is a good person, a good neighbour, and I’m an asshole for ever thinking otherwise. I think I need to bring her a thank you present. I think the card will say, “Thanks for being the Neighbourhood Watch. The world is a better place because of people like you. Love, Your Grateful Neighbour.”

Posted in Friends, Life, News and politics | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

On Being Married

Posted on May 26, 2015 by clubfredbaja

Fred Perron proposes to Kristene Perron

Last week, blogger, writer, singer, dancer and all around lovely spirit, Amy Sundberg wrote a post about her life as a single person. On Being Single was—as is usual for Amy’s posts—an honest and beautiful ode to the joys of living solo. (If you’re not reading Amy’s blog, what is wrong with you??) I’ve been meaning to inflict my thoughts about marriage on you for a while now and Amy’s post kicked that thought into action.

I am shocked I am still married. August 25, 2015 will mark seventeen years that Prez and I have been together, eleven of those years as legal husband and wife. In fact, I typed that sentence and then had to stare at it for several minutes, with my jaw hanging open.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband but my track record prior to us connecting did not scream “I’m the person you want to make a long term commitment to!” I was my own worst enemy. One half of me believed all the fairy tales I’d been fed since birth. You know, all the “And they lived happily ever after” baloney. I believed that I was supposed to find a man and fall deeply in love and then live happily ever after (even though no one in those stories ever explains what happily ever after actually looks like). The other half of me, the half that existed in reality, wanted to be free to explore and learn and have adventures and figure out just who the heck I was without forcing myself to be one half of a partnership at the same time.

Predictably, the result was always disastrous. I was a serial monogamist with terrible taste in men and a thirst for novelty that ensured no relationship survived more than a few years. Oh and let’s toss in bucket loads of low self esteem, just for good measure!

After an ugly marriage and divorce from an abusive alcoholic, a well-armed ex-boyfriend who stalked me for years, and a guy I fell head over heels for who told me that he couldn’t commit to me because he thought I was a whore, I finally decided that maybe I wasn’t marriage material and that was just fine.

Then I met Prez.

Empowered by this new understanding of myself, I decided I was going to start our relationship with blunt honesty and if that ended things so be it.

On our second date, I told Prez my terms: “No marriage, no kids, no butt sex.” Shockingly, he did not run away screaming. Six years later, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. A very enthusiastic yes.

Seventeen years later, here we are. Guess I was marriage material after all.

So what changed?

Mostly my understanding of what marriage is. But there’s also some dumb luck in there too.

For those who are single and think you might want to be married one day, let me explain what happily ever after looks like.

First, it’s not always happy. With all the romance boiled off, marriage is, quite simply, a legal partnership. For better or worse the two of you agree to join forces, stick it out, and go through life as a team. Oh, and there will be lots of “worse”, trust me on that. And you marrieds with only three or four years under your belt, telling me that it’s all rainbows and kittens every day, you can shut up now. Come talk to me in ten or fifteen years. Come talk to me after one of you has lost their job that pays most of your bills. Come talk to me when you’re so exhausted from raising your children and/or working that sex seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Come talk to me after one of you gets seriously injured or ill. Come talk to me when one of you puts on a lot of weight and suddenly doesn’t feel attractive and is consumed by self-loathing and jealousy. Come talk to me after mental illness makes your spouse a stranger. Come talk to me after life has thrown you some of its nastiest curveballs and you’re still together.

Second, you may always love each other but you won’t always like each other. Even best friends have rough patches and falling outs. When you are best friends that also live together 24/7, the chances for rough patches rises faster than a helium balloon escaping the sweaty fist of a toddler on a summer day. Unlike the cute little disagreements that mark the early years of a relationship, complete with super hawt make-up sex, these rough times can last weeks, months, or years. It may not even be anger behind the rough patch. As we age, we change. Sometimes our changes may not align well with the changes our partner is experiencing, which can make things tense. Some marriages don’t survive these changes and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Third, you will each have to compromise and sacrifice for this to work. It may be you doing all the compromising now and your partner doing all the compromising a year from now, or each of you compromising a little bit, but if you stick around long enough then you will both have to give up something you want at some point. If Prez was single right now, he would be on a beach somewhere, living in bare feet and happily spending every day fishing or diving, even if he was penniless. If I was single right now, I would be an even bigger hermit and spending even more time writing and reading than I already do. Together we have chosen to stick it out in Canada at least until a tropical opportunity presents itself that we can both agree on. He’s definitely making the bigger sacrifice right now but I’ve had my turn in his position and will again.

Fourth, you will both fail at some point. You will fail because you are human and humans are flawed. You will let each other down, hurt each other, and mess up to a degree that your relationship will be forever altered. When it’s you that messes up, you will feel as if you are standing in the Louvre with a can of paint in your hands and you are looking at the Mona Lisa, which is now covered in in globs of red because of you. Even if the rest of the art is undamaged, you have still ruined a masterpiece and there’s no looking back. The offenses span a wide range. You might lie, cheat, take a risk that negatively impacts you and/or your spouse, cause problems with your spouse’s family or friends, withdraw emotionally, physically or sexually, rack up debt, or succumb to an addiction. There is no limit to the ways in which humans can fail.

That’s probably enough for now but believe me when say I could go on for pages about the less pleasant realities of happily ever after.

At this point, you are probably wondering how I could possibly be happy if all of the above is true. Why do I love being married? Am I crazy?

I begin with a caveat: I don’t love being married. I love being married to Prez. Marriage to the wrong person, as I can attest, is painful and soul-draining.

I love being married to my husband because, as Amy so perfectly explained, he makes my life even more amazing than it already was when I met him.

Fred and Kristene Perron in a waterfall

I married someone who was different than me in a lot of ways, which means I get to do, experience, and learn loads of things I never would have on my own. He challenges me to constantly step out of my comfort zone. He learns from me, as well, and tells me how grateful he is for the change I’ve made in his life. I love that we have a shared history that spans two decades and is uniquely ours. I love that we bear witness to our individual evolutions.

Prez was there on the day I announced I wanted to be a professional writer. He was there the day I sold my first story. He was there the day I won my first writing award. He was there when I held a copy of my novel in my hands for the first time. He was also there for all the days of struggle and doubt and frustration. He’s watched a big part of my life and my identity unfold in a way that no one else has and it makes our connection stronger.

I love being married to Prez because I can fart and burp and scratch myself inappropriately without worrying that I will not be seen as desirable–do not underestimate the importance of this! I love being married to Prez because we have failed each other but we have forgiven each other and there’s comfort in knowing that there’s someone who will accept your flaws and someone whose flaws you can also accept. I love being married to Prez because I don’t have to apologize for wanting an unconventional life. I love being married because comfort and familiarity create a safe space to unleash my lust monkey. (Enjoying sex does not make you a whore, in case you were wondering). I love being married to Prez because we give each other space to be ourselves, to have our own friends and pursue our own passions, and then we get to come home and share that with each other. I love being married to Prez because he tells me, almost every day, that I am smart and beautiful and he loves me as much as the day we first met, and that feels pretty damn awesome.

On the day-to-day level, marriage is messy and difficult. In the big picture, marriage is hideously romantic and achingly beautiful.

I aim to love my husband and be his wife for the rest of my life. Given the obstacles life likes to toss out, that is also a high bar to set but a good bar. And it’s only because I chose a man who makes my life even more amazing than it already was that I am able to have it.

p.s. Thanks for the inspiration, Amy!

p.p.s Happy 40th Anniversary to my dear friends Pat and Joyce, AKA Patty-cakes and Martha. xoxoxoxo

Pat and Joyce Roney with Kristene Perron at sunset

With Patty-Cakes and Martha in Ukee

 

Posted in Love | 3 Comments

The Evolution of Cinderella

Posted on May 17, 2015 by clubfredbaja

Ramshackle Theatre Sci-Fi Double Feature

What do Sad Puppies, Crocodile Dundee and cardboard puppets have in common?

No, it’s not a joke. All of the above have recently caused me to consider the evolution of stories.

Last night I attended a performance of Ramshackle Theatre’s Sci Fi Double Feature, an all-ages puppet show. I admit that when I first saw the advertisement, despite the awesome title, I didn’t leap out of my seat to order tickets. Puppets? Puppet shows are for kids.

But after interviewing two of the show’s co-creators for the weekly radio show I co-host and also receiving an invite to attend the show from my co-host, Anthony, I figured there are worse ways to spend a Saturday night. Turns out that was an excellent choice because the show was all kinds of hilarity and what those crazy Yukoners managed to create with cardboard, hot glue, magnets, and a video camera was nothing short of amazing.

Sitting in the audience, laughing shamelessly along with everyone else, a thought bubble popped into my head: “Where does story prejudice come from?” In other words, why, without knowing anything about this production, did I assume I would not enjoy the story told by the members of Ramshackle Theater simply because it was presented in the form of puppetry?

More on that later.

Let’s back up a few months.

One evening, after doing the usual scroll through Netflix to find something—ANYTHING—Prez and I had not seen or something we wanted to see again, we stumbled on Crocodile Dundee. Hey! That was a fun show and neither of us had seen in it ages, so what the heck?

Surprisingly, the movie mostly withstands the test of time. Mick Dundee is still lovable and his “fish out of water” trip to the big city provides plenty of lighthearted hilarity. But there were some moments where the story definitely showed its age. Most notably, where Mick encounters his first trans woman in a bar. As Mick and the woman are talking and flirting, the cabbie our hero has befriended pulls him aside to enlighten him. Mick, unbelieving, returns to the woman and grabs her crotch as the crowd bursts into laughter at his shock.

I cringed.

Where to even begin with this? There are so many levels of wrong in this scene and yet I’m sure I probably laughed at it in 1986. The fact that no one so much as raised an eyebrow at a man crotch-grabbing a complete stranger in this setting speaks volumes about societal attitudes in the eighties. If you’re scratching your head and wondering why there’s any problem with this scene, well, flip your paradigm. What if the cabbie had been wrong and the character had actually been a biological woman? Would it still be funny to watch a grown man grab a woman’s vagina in that setting? No? Well, then why is it funny to do it to a transgender or transvestite person? It’s not. Man, woman, trans, what Mick Dundee did in that scene is called sexual assault and there’s nothing humorous about it.

Did I, in a fit of anger, shut off the movie there and then?

No, I did not.

Let me tell you why.

Stories evolve. Stories shift with the social mores and politics of their time. Today’s scandalous suggestion that commoners could be equal to pure blood aristocracy—a right ordained by god himself!—is tomorrow’s fanciful musical about the power of true love. Do you recognize the story? It’s Cinderella.

Cinderella

Stories evolve because we evolve. Few people in the western world still believe that there is any difference between the blood that flows in the veins of commoners and the veins of royalty. In fact, most view “royalty” itself as a quaint holdover from times gone by. The story of a common woman marrying a prince is no longer shocking to us. We’ve seen it happen in real life. So the story morphs, via Disney, into a story of true love. But even that has worn thin as the roles of women have changed and the idea of being rescued by Prince Charming is now demeaning, if not downright silly.

In fact, a “Cinderella” story now encompasses a wide spectrum of stories that essentially all boil down to an unappreciated underdog achieving success against all odds.

We still watch or read Cinderella’s earlier incarnations, though. Like Crocodile Dundee, there are parts of the story that stand the test of time and parts that don’t but we recognize the latter and file them away as “historical differences”. Sometimes those historical differences are so ridiculous that serious stories evolve into comedies. Reefer Madness anyone?

Stories evolve because we evolve…except when we don’t.

For those of you who haven’t been following the Sad Puppies debacle (which is probably anyone not involved in the SFF world), let me sum it up for you thusly: A group of mostly conservative, white, male SFF authors feel that their genre (particularly science fiction) is being ruined by “Social Justice Warriors” and that the esteemed Hugo Awards have been hijacked by a crowd intent on spreading their leftist liberal agenda. There are a ton of authors, such as George RR Martin and Eric Flint, who have written intelligent commentary on this debacle and I don’t feel I can add anything of value, so please read their words for more insight.

There is one aspect of the Sad Puppies I am interested in, however, and that’s the assertion by many of their supporters that the sci-fi of old was better, purer, and more important than its modern day incarnation. Men in space ships, having adventures and solving problems with technology, that is “real” science fiction.

Anyone who waxes poetic about any kind of halcyon age makes me roll my eyes. And, when it comes to stories and storytelling, that kind of “Back in my day…” thinking is absurd. By such standards, Cinderella would forever and always be the story of a commoner marrying into royalty because the original was the “true” version regardless of social changes. In the 1600’s, the original story of Cinderella was subversive. In the 2000’s the original story of Cinderella is irrelevant.

I can and do still read and enjoy the “old time” science fiction stories, sexism and racism be damned, but my world has evolved and I expect stories written today to reflect those changes. If Crocodile Dundee was made today and the crotch grabbing scene was still included, I would boycott the movie and I would encourage everyone else to do likewise. There’s still room for stories of men in spaceships, having adventures and solving problems with technology but, given social changes, how could anyone complain that there is also room for science fiction stories of women and non-binary genders of all colours having adventures in all kinds of places?

We’ve evolved; our stories are evolving with us.

When I was a kid, I rarely saw myself in the roles I wanted to play. Princess Leia was great but why couldn’t there be a female Han Solo? I am thrilled that young girls now have a selection of female heroes that are not princesses in need of rescue.

When I started as a stunt person in 1993, I was warned by other stunt women that most of my gags would be scenes of domestic abuse and rape. For about the first five years, that was true. (For my very first stunt I doubled a character whose stalker ex-boyfriend tried to run her down with his car). That was the primary role for women in our culture’s stories: victim. With the arrival of the Dark Angel series, featuring a female superhero, that started to change. Today, stunt women can expect to be the hero, villain or savior as often as the victim.

Even some of the old fairytales have been given new life. In 1998, Drew Barrymore re-imagined Cinderella in Ever After and I’m willing to bet that her next appearance will be an even further departure from either the Brothers Grimm or Walt Disney.

Whether you like it or not, western society is moving toward seeing women, people of colour, LGBTQ people, and the disabled as equals to straight white men, and deserving of the same rights and respect. Considering that women alone make up over half the population, anyone who wants to move backward from here is going to face a lot of resistance.

It’s tempting to laugh at the irony of science fiction writers who pine and whine for the past but for the most part I feel sorry for them. You see, I understand where their ignorance comes from. It’s easy to get trapped by old thinking and prejudice.

Puppet shows are just for kids, right?

I still have not figured out where story prejudice come from but I acknowledge it exists in me. If I hadn’t chosen to shrug off my prejudice last night, I would have missed out on something wonderful…and a whole lot of snort laughing.

People usually don’t change in huge leaps but in small, incremental steps. Ramshackle Theater changed how I think of puppet shows; they opened my mind to new possibilities. For a writer of speculative fiction, that is pure gold.

The stories we tell ourselves are every bit as powerful as the stories we read or watch. If our internal stories fail to evolve, so do we.

Posted in Entertainment, On Scribbling, Women's Issues | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

The Good Owner

Posted on May 13, 2015 by clubfredbaja

What heartless person doesn’t think this is the cutest thing ever?

index

Well, me, actually.

Over the years, I’ve learned to bite my tongue about everyday instances of animal cruelty. I’ve tried, instead, to be subtle, to slip in bits of information in a non-threatening and non-guilt-inducing way. More than politics, sex or religion, people are incredibly defensive about their pets. Who wants to hear that their dog or cat’s delightful flat face makes it difficult for them to breathe (brachycephalic)? That those adorable wrinkles are uncomfortable for their dog and are prone to infection?

No one wants to think that they are being cruel by choosing a pet that is the result of rampant inbreeding, not to mention the hundreds of other questionable practices out there in the pet world. And I don’t want to be that annoying person wagging her finger in everyone’s faces.

Today I’m going to make an exception. Today I’m going to speak honestly about pets. After all, not ten feet away from me is a mother cat and six kittens from the SPCA—the result of negligent owners who did not spay or neuter their roaming felines.

No punches will be pulled. That’s my final warning.

Love

What does it mean to “love” an animal?

I love dogs and that is precisely why I do not own a dog. I know what a dog needs to be healthy and happy and I know I can’t provide that at this point in my life. I love birds, which is why I will never own a bird. I cannot imagine depriving a bird of the one thing that I would kill for: the gift of flight. I love cats but my life has been too crazy in the last several years for a full-time cat, which is why I choose to foster for the SPCA. I love tropical fish, but if I were to have an aquarium I would be damn choosy about the fish I put in there and the source of those fish. I love tigers but they are wild animals and should never be pets.

As most parents know, love often involves doing things that don’t make us happy in the here and now. If your young child wants ice cream for breakfast, you’ll probably say no, even if you know that it will make them cry. Love is about doing the right thing, the ethical thing, no matter how non-fun that may be.

But what if you don’t know what the right or ethical thing is? Where pets are concerned, I think this is often the case. So let’s talk about ethics and pets.

Pure Bred Dogs and Cats

Humans have been selectively breeding dogs for thousands of years. The wild ancestors of today’s domestic dogs were chosen mostly for skill and temperament—humans wanted dogs that were good workers and wouldn’t bite their faces off. But somewhere along the line things got weird.

There’s a reason humans don’t allow first cousins to marry and produce offspring. Inbreeding causes all kinds of health problems. But in order to keep a breed of dog “pure”, there are strict regulations about which dogs can mate, regulations that limit the size of the gene pool. The result? A genetic nightmare.

But don’t take it from me. Just ask Adam.

Just about every “pure” breed of dog comes with inherent health problems but those can be exacerbated by unscrupulous breeders. During my time as a veterinary assistant I met some of these breeders and dealt with the aftermath of their handiwork. Dogs condemned to a life of suffering from: crippling bone and joint disorders; eye diseases that cause reduced sight or total blindness; heart disease; hypothyroidism and diabetes; epilepsy; skin diseases that cause frantic itching; chronic diarrhea and vomiting, kidney and liver diseases; and cancer.

Pure bred cats also come with a list of health problems but, generally, people don’t seem to place the same emphasis on owning a “pure” breed of cat and the overall cat population is fairly healthy.

Does this mean you should never own a specific breed of dog or cat? No. But it does mean that you should do your homework and make sure you’re choosing a breed of dog or cat that is genetically healthy and appropriate for your lifestyle, from a reputable breeder.

If you really have your heart set on a breed that isn’t genetically healthy, at least adopt an adult pet that needs a home or a puppy or kitten from a shelter.

Where Do Pets Come From?

Pets do not appear magically out of thin air and they do not magically appear in pet stores. Consider the fact that reputable cat and dog breeders do not sell to pet stores. So where do pet stores get their “stock”?

There are a few stores that have started working in partnership with animal shelters, which is terrific. Usually the pet store will advertise this and you can easily do a little fact checking before you purchase. Other stores? Puppy mills, commercial breeders, or irresponsible breeders are their main suppliers. In every case, the motivating factor is money, not love and care for a living creature. These animals are frequently mistreated, malnourished, unhealthy, and not properly socialized.

When you start talking about other species, the story gets worse.

I am not a fan of owning birds as pets. No…wait.

I hate seeing birds as pets. Hate. Hate. HATE! I hate seeing a bird grounded, caged, and deprived of everything that makes it beautiful.

But, if you really must own a bird, think carefully about where that bird came from and how it ended up for sale.

Despite the Wild Bird Population Act that was passed in 1992, a shocking number of birds sold in US pet stores are a product of the illegal wild bird trade. Wild birds are captured and smuggled out of their native country in everything from pants to water bottles. And of the wild birds smuggled into North America, about 60% die on the journey.

INDONESIA-CONSERVATION-ENVIRONMENT

The other main bird providers are the same kind of commercial operations that supply puppies. Like their canine counterparts, these birds are frequently raised and kept in dirty cages with little light. It’s all about the money.

Snakes, lizards, frogs, even fish—especially fish—are most often taken from the wild or bred in substandard conditions.

An estimated 99% of aquarium fish taken from reefs in places like Indonesia and the Philippines die within one year.

Know and care about where your pet comes from!

Abandonment and Lack of Proper Care

When I worked as a veterinary assistant, we had a saying: There’s no such thing as a free kitten.

Pets are living beings that come with a list of responsibilities that far exceed “food and water”. Some of these responsibilities can be expensive, time consuming, and difficult. The more exotic the pet, the longer the list.

In September 2014, over 70 cats were surrendered to the Nelson SPCA. Seventy cats in a city with a population of only ten thousand people! Among those cats surrendered, I’m sure there were some legitimate reasons—illness, change of financial situation, divorce, pregnancy, etc.—but I also guarantee a good number of those cats were simply the result of owners who didn’t consider pet ownership a serious responsibility.

And when I wag my finger now, it’s because I’ve been there. As a kid, I loved animals. Loved them, sure, but really had no idea how to properly care for them. My hamster died after I got bored and forgot to feed him. My aquarium was basically a liquid death camp. The pure bred Sheltland Sheepdog I begged my parents to buy me ran away one day when I accidentally left the back gate open. I can only hope he was found and taken in by someone who wasn’t thirteen and too consumed with friends and school and dance classes to spend time grooming and walking and playing with him. But he was probably hit by a car. And, sadly, that is not the entire list.

Yes, I briefly owned a bird. A finch. Another disaster.

I get it. I know how it feels to want the idea of a pet and then fail utterly when faced with the reality of a pet. Too many animals suffered before I understood that their rights supersede my desires.

Before you buy or adopt, ask yourself the hard questions and be prepared to say, “No, I’m not ready for a pet” if you are, in fact, not ready.

Here is the SPCA’s awesome list of 12 questions to ask yourself before you adopt a pet.

Oh, and if your child—no matter how earnest and responsible you think they are—is begging for a pet, remember that ultimately the pet will be yours and you will have to care for it. I know some of you want to disagree with me but ask yourself this: Would you leave a human infant entirely in your child’s care for a year? Ten years? Twenty?

Pets need as much love, care and attention as human infants. Unlike human children, they will always depend on us.Abadnoned kitten

As for exotic pets such as snakes and lizards, you need only google “abandoned exotic pets” to see how many of these animals end up dropped off at zoos or sanctuaries, or are simply dumped by the side of the road. At least abandoned cats or dogs stand some chance of getting adopted. Your odds of finding a new home for your pet snake, when you realize you really aren’t cut out for snake ownership, are depressingly low.

It’s Not All About You

Every time I hear someone complain about landlords who refuse to rent to people with pets, I want to scream. Pet ownership is a choice and a luxury. The world is not required to accommodate your choice.

Understand that when you choose to own a pet your decision may affect more than just you. The consequences of that decision fall on your shoulders, and yours alone.

Along with all the rewards and joys of owning a pet, you also get the hassles:

  • It’s going to be more difficult to find a place to rent.
  • Traveling with a pet will require more effort and planning.
  • Traveling without a pet will require some kind of boarding or pet-sitting arrangement.
  • Some of your friends and/or family may be allergic to your pet or afraid of your pet.
  • Pets get sick and injured and that can get expensive.
  • Pets get old and come with all the same kind of problems that old humans have to deal with.
  • Pets can cause problems for your neighbours, such as your dog’s excessive barking. (One of my absolute pet peeves).
  • Pets can harm or kill local wildlife.

You and your pet do not live in a vacuum. It is not your neighbor’s responsibility to tolerate your dog barking for hours on end. It is not a landlord’s responsibility to allow pets in a rental property. It is not the responsibility of the stranger walking on a wooded trail to know that your dog—who is running toward them off-leash—is friendly and to not be scared. It is not the veterinarian’s responsibility to offer their services at a price you can afford when your dog needs medical care. It is not the local zoo’s responsibility to take in the lizard you couldn’t care for. It is not the SPCA’s responsibility to take in your kittens because you didn’t spay your cat.

Accept responsibility for your choice!

Keep It Wild

Ask any wildlife or animal welfare organization member about their feelings on keeping wild animals as pets and you will be met with a resounding, “NO! BAD IDEA!”

It’s a bad idea for the animal (they have needs that you can’t adequately meet and you could threaten the survival of the rest of the wild population), and a bad idea for the owner (you or your family could get sick or injured, there could be property damage, or you could face legal problems).

I don’t care how justified you feel you may be in owning a wild animal as a pet, it’s selfish. Animals should benefit from the pet-owner relationship. Their lives should be enhanced, not diminished, by living with humans.

The Association of Zoos and Aquariums provides as list of animals they consider suitable pets. I may not be in complete agreement with all of these but, overall, it’s a sound selection:

  • Dogs, domestic cats, guinea pigs, domestic rats and mice, domestic gerbils, common hamsters, domestic ferrets, domestic rabbits, domestic chinchillas.
  • Interesting insects like African millipedes or Hissing cockroaches.
  • Responsibly captive-bred parakeets, canaries, cockatiels, doves, and pigeons.
  • Responsibly captive-bred reptiles and amphibians such as red-footed tortoises, lizards (bearded dragons, leopard geckos), snakes (corn snakes, king snakes, ball pythons) and frogs (White’s tree frog, ornate horned frog, fire-bellied toad, red-eyed tree frog).
  • Tropical fish that are captive-raised or responsibly collected from sustainable wild populations make good pets. Look for certification from the Marine Aquarium Council when you buy tropical fish for your home aquarium.

With great Power…

Bumming you out yet?

Look, I want everyone to have a pet at least once in their life but not at the expense of an innocent animal, and not if it means propagating bad practices like inbreeding and wild animal smuggling. In my dream world, all pets are wanted, loved, properly cared for, healthy and happy.

Happy dog and owner

If you’re not ready for a pet, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy interactions with animals. You can volunteer at a shelter or sanctuary; offer your services as a pet sitter or dog walker; foster kittens or puppies; spend time visiting with your friends’ pets; visit a dog park; get involved with organizations that work with cats or dogs such as BC Pets and Friends.

There’s an animal out there that needs you. What are you waiting for?

One day old kitten

One of our latest foster kittens. One day old!

Posted in Animals, Nature & Environment | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

How Life Goes On The Way It Does

Posted on May 4, 2015 by clubfredbaja

Robert Frost quote life goes on

During the brief time I lived in Japan, I became intimately familiar with karaoke. Outside of Tokyo, English songs were scarce, and dated, but since I was often the only gaijin at any gathering it was my official duty to sing all of them. Elvis, Sinatra and Beatles songs were usually on the menu, though I did perform one interesting, audience-participation version of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and there was an embarrassing flute incident during my rendition of “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” that we shall not discuss.

One song, however, was so old and obscure that I had not heard it before. No problem, all anyone cared about was that a blonde woman was on stage singing. I could have sung the Alphabet Song or Mary Had a Little Lamb and I would have received thunderous applause.

I began…

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world,
‘Cause you don’t love me any more?

A stupid little ditty, ridden with teen angst and drama. Blech.

Seven years later, driving home from Vancouver, still numb from my mother’s death, that song would come back to haunt me.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder,
why everything’s the same as it was.
I can’t understand, no, I can’t understand,
how life goes on the way it does.

Almost eighteen years later, it haunts me still. This is life’s greatest irony…it goes on. No matter what tragedy may befall us, the dishes must be washed, the bills must be paid, the grass needs cutting and there’s no getting around that aching tooth that needs a filling. We can stop and linger in the land of mourning or pity for awhile, but all around us the river of life flows on.

Last weekend I drove down to Vancouver to attend the Creative Ink Festival. I’d been looking forward to this event for a while, in part because I was going to be doing a workshop on indie publishing, in part because this was my friend Sandra’s event and she’s fun incarnate, and in part because, hey, writing, writers, science fiction and fantasy nerds, yay!

The original plan was to brave a 12+ hour Greyhound bus ride, since Prez and I are a one-vehicle family and he had to use the truck for work. But then the trip turned into something more.

My sister had been re-admitted to the leukemia ward at VGH. Not only had the second round of chemo not done the job, now she also had a lung infection that had to be cleared before the third round of chemo could start. The good news in all this was that I would be close by and free all day after the festival to visit her.

Thanks to our friend Pete, I now had wheels. Seven hours of solo driving is no picnic but with beautiful scenery and a good audiobook they passed quickly enough. Soon I was welcomed back to Casa Roney and fed, ginned, catted, and tucked into bed before heading off to the festival.

And how was the Creative Ink Festival? In short, it was everything I’d hoped for. I laughed lots, I met new people from my tribe, I re-connected with “old” friends from my tribe, I bought books, I had audiences to play with, I learned lots, I inspired and was myself inspired, I volunteered for something about which I am passionate, I ate junk food and drank too much gin, I showed off my new cat t-shirt, I met Sandra’s new baby Ben (oh, and her husband), for the first time. As Ricardo Montalban would say, “Smiles, everyone! Smiles!”

The next day, back to the leukemia ward I went.

I was prepared for the worst, and I was determined to hang onto that smile—no doubt my sister needed it more than me. I want to keep some things private but I will say that, no matter how much you prepare yourself, seeing someone you love so physically changed and weakened in just a matter of weeks will knock the wind out of you every time.

I was glad to be with my sister again. I wasn’t glad that she was still in that place. Hour by hour, little pieces of my heart broke and mended, broke and mended. Silently, I tried to think of ways I could stay, how I might shrug off commitments back at home and just BE there for her. Every day.

But the car I’d driven here was on loan and had to go back to its owner. I had work waiting. Bills need to be paid, dishes need to be washed, and so on and so on. The river of life flows on. This is how it works. This is how it has always worked and how it always will work.

By the time my visit was at an end, Kelly looked a little better and I was happy to have been a small help with that. We hugged and kissed and exchanged “I love you’s”. I turned to leave the room.

“I miss you already,” she said.

“Me too,” I said.

Me too.

Back on the road, Monday morning, I was exhausted. I planned my rest stops and listened to my audio book, and tried to enjoy the scenery. My brain spun from all the emotions of the past forty-eight hours and I felt the weight of leaving my sister like a stone in my heart. Somewhere before Rock Creek my phone rang. Unknown Number. I’d been getting a lot of spam calls lately so I answered with a very curt, “Hello”.

“Hi Kristene, this is Joni from Writers of the Future. I’m just calling to let you know your story is a finalist for the first quarter of the competition,” a friendly voice said.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked.

Laughter. “I’m not kidding.”

And there it was. The competition I never thought I stood a chance in and here I was a finalist. Unbelievable. Incomprehensible.

Joni filled me in on the details as I pulled over. When she was done and I’d hung up, I just sat in that car on the side of the lonely highway with a stupid grin on my face.

Then I shouted a war cry. Then I cried. Then I fell apart on the side of the road. Why now? Why now? I’m supposed to be sad, I can’t be happy now. Doesn’t the world know I’m hurting for my sister?

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world.
It ended when you said goodbye.

I wiped my eyes, drove to the gas station in Rock Creek, pulled over and called Prez with the news. Then I called Kelly and told her the news. She sounded happy for me.

Life waits for no one. Sometimes you get joy and sometimes you get sorrow, and sometimes you get them both all tangled up together. Sometimes you get all the emotions at once and it feels like you’ll drown. This is the burden and the reward of being human.

I stood in the Petro Canada parking lot thinking about this. It is enough, I decided, that I have people to celebrate with and people who miss me when I’m gone. I’ll figure out the rest as I go.

Then I bought an ice cream cone, got back in the car, and let the river carry me home.

Posted in Health and wellness, Love, On Scribbling | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Radio 101 for Authors – How to get on the air and shine once you’re there

Posted on April 30, 2015 by clubfredbaja

Microphone in front of booksIn November 2014, I was interviewed by Anthony Sanna on Kootenay Morning about an upcoming indie publishing workshop I was teaching and about the latest book in the Warpworld series. A few weeks after that interview, Anthony emailed and asked if I wanted to “play on the radio” with him every Friday as the new Kootenay Morning co-host. I happily accepted.

In a very short time I’ve learned volumes about the wonderful world of radio. With so much focus on online marketing and promotion for authors, I realized that we often overlook radio as an effective way to reach our potential audience.

I asked my co-host, Anthony, if I could pick his brain about the ins and outs of radio interviews for authors. I’ve been sworn to make it clear that he is by no means a radio expert (all KCR hosts are volunteers), but in his “real life” Anthony knows plenty about marketing and promotion—something many authors struggle with.

Here’s the talk we had about radio interviews for authors…

Kristene: Why should authors bother with radio?

Anthony: I taught a workshop a couple of years ago, talking to business folks about what they could do to market themselves, and the advice I gave them was to start telling stories. Stories are a way to bridge a gap in a relationship, to connect. That’s what radio offers authors—a chance to tell their story, or the story behind the story, and connect with listeners and potential readers.

On air, you’re speaking to the host of the show but you also have an audience out there. When you’re telling your personal story, that helps the audience connect to you, it makes you seem more human.

Kristene: Which could be enough to interest someone in reading your book?

Anthony: Absolutely. It’s also the simplest thing you can do. Being interviewed is the best way to bridge the gap of, “I’m a total stranger and, oh my god, I’m so nervous about being on the radio, and I’ve never met this person before, but I’m going to tell you this interesting story about working with my publisher for the first time, or when the cat peed on my manuscript, or…”. Whatever it is, you’ve got a story to share and that’s a connection.

Anthony Sanna Kootenay Co-Op Radio

Anthony Sanna making radio magic

Kristene: Let’s talk about that first step. How does an author approach a radio station for an interview?

Anthony: Speaking from my experience as a producer at Kootenay Co-Op Radio, I’m always looking for stories and events to highlight in the community. You can send a press release, you can email me, or you can knock on the station door and say, “Hey, I’m an author and I just published this book about _____ (whatever the book is about) and I’m looking to promote it. Is this something your listeners would be interested in?” Or, if you’re a non-fiction author, “Hi, I’m a _______ (subject you’re an expert in) and I’ve written a book about it. Would your listeners be interested in learning about that?” Or, “I’m a quadriplegic and I’ve written a book. Would listeners be interested in my story?”

An interview doesn’t always have to be about the book. What’s the story about writing the story? What’s so exciting about you that it will make people interested in hearing what you have to say?

Kristene: Good point. Your book may not immediately appeal to a wide cross section of the population but the story behind the book, your story, may be exciting and may make people want to read what you’ve written.

Anthony: Bill Moore is a local fellow who I’m working with now. Bill is legally blind. He’s got peripheral vision out of one eye, the other one’s not there, and he wrote a book—Yellow Dog Coming, a psychological thriller. And when Bill knocks on doors to promote his work he’ll say, “Hi, my name is Bill, I’m 70, I’m blind, and I wrote this really scary book! Did I mention I’m blind?” For him, that’s a hook.

Kristene: Find your hook and work it.

Anthony: I’m not suggesting people need to poke out their eye or anything…

Kristene: No! Don’t do that. But I hear what you’re saying. I will often open with, “Hi, I’m Kristene and I’m a former professional stunt performer.” That immediately gets people’s attention. Far more attention than, “Hi, I’m Kristene and I wrote a book.”

Anthony: When I read that of you, the first time you were on the show, I thought, “Gosh, she was a stunt person and she writes? I’ve got to talk to this woman!” Your bio was exciting. As a producer, I believe if I’m really curious about something the listener is going to be just as curious.

Kristene: That’s an important point because we always ask for bios from our guests on the show, as a means to introduce them. Almost everyone struggles with this but a great bio sells.

Anthony: An author bio should make a good first impression. It needs to tell a story and arouse curiosity. Something that prompts the producer (or anyone who reads it), to say, “This person sounds really interesting. Not your average human.” And a bio can be a place to insert a touch of literary muscle.

Kristene: This leads me to what kinds of emails, press releases, or stories will catch a producer’s attention?

Anthony: It depends on which producer you contact and which station. Kootenay Morning is a current affairs show for the Kootenays, so I’m looking for local appeal or local authors.

Kristene: Know your market and do some research first?

Anthony: Yes, do some research on who you want to talk to. That could be as simple as calling the radio and saying, “Hi, my name is Kristene, I’m a local author interested in promoting my book, who is it at the radio station that you think I could talk to? I’m looking for opportunities.”

Podcasts are little different. Radio is broadcasting—your voice goes out over the air and hits everyone. Podcasting has a very select audience. Instead of broadcasting, it’s “narrow casting”. But podcasts can also have very loyal followers.

Kristene: In other words, before you even send a press release or an email, look at the subject matter of your book, look at your own story, and look at what the markets are.

Anthony: Yes. The idea is to leverage somebody else’s audience. This is a technique many online marketers use. If you’ve written a book about effective time management and productivity and I have a blog with 20,000 followers and a podcast about entrepreneurs, you may not know my audience but you can be fairly sure that your audience lives in my audience.

Radio or podcast, look at it as a joint venture—I have a book that I think your listeners will be interested in. Instead of approaching the radio station or podcaster with, “Hey, I’ve got this book and I want you to help me”, you say, “Hey, I’ve got this cool book and I think your listeners would like to hear about it. How can I help you get this on the air?”

Consider who the end audience is. That’s the way a bigger producer might pay attention to you.

Kristene: If you were going to go after the big fish, then you would really want to know the content of the show, the listeners, and what you could bring of value.

Anthony: Sure, but as to going after the big fish, I’m not sure every author has the guts to do that and I’m not sure it’s something they need to even worry about. Think of it this way, we’re a co-op radio station and we’ve got an audience of…

Kristene: Millions!

Anthony: Ha! Well, Nelson is a city of ten thousand people and there are four radio stations here. There’s CBC, which everybody listens to. Then there’s the other two, which people flip back and forth between during commercials. And then there’s us. Somebody’s listening. An audience is an audience.

Plus, let’s say I’m an author and you’re the radio host. You being you, the way I know you, you get all excited about something and suddenly Facebook blows up with, “Oh my god, I just read this cool book that Anthony wrote!” And then everyone else sees it. Word of mouth becomes “world of mouth” by doing simple things, like approaching a small radio station with a small audience.

People who read, that’s your audience. If they’re listening to talk radio, odds are they read.

Kristene: Pretty much every Canadian author I know listens to the CBC or talk radio of some sort.

Anthony: You don’t have to shoot really high for the bigger stations. There was an author I was working with in Vancouver who wrote a book about baseball, about the Yankees. I encouraged him to go to CFAX 1070, which is a very popular talk radio station in Victoria, where he lives. He said, “Why would they want to talk to me? I just wrote about baseball.” I said, “They want to talk to you because you’re an author in Victoria and you wrote this book about the Yankees. Isn’t that cool? Small town boy writes about the Yankees!”

Kristene: Did he do it?

Anthony: He did. He got some notoriety from that and it’s totally possible for him to continue on that train with other small stations. We do phone interviews on our show all the time. You don’t actually have to be across the microphone from somebody in a studio, you can do it through your phone. You can approach stations anywhere.

Kristene: What are some of the don’ts when it comes to approaching radio producers or podcasts?

Anthony: Don’t be a dick.

Kristene: Wheaton’s Law.

Anthony: Check your spelling—you’re a writer. Also, anything you would do when approaching a publicist you would do the same when you approach a radio station or podcaster. You’re approaching a total stranger who has time constraints, so whatever you can do to make their job easier is helpful. Offer a compelling story.

Amanda Bath Disaster in ParadiseI recently read the press release that came out for Amanda Bath’s book Disaster in Paradise, about the landslide at Johnson’s Landing. The first paragraph? I was crapping my pants thinking, “Oh my god! 320,000 tons of stuff flowing down a hill! Who died?” It was a super cinematic first paragraph; I had to read the rest of the press release. Actually, I just wanted to read the damn book. That’s what it made me do.

This is where an author has the opportunity to be good at what they do in front of a producer.

Kristene: Use your storytelling ability to sell yourself.

Anthony: And do it in a way where you’re putting your best into it. Set your intention: “I really believe this is the right audience for Kristene’s listeners, I’m going to write from that perspective, I’m going to meditate on that, I’m going to send this thing, and I’m not going to have any expectations.”

Conversely, anyone with marketing training will tell you that you need to connect with somebody six times before they’ll pay attention and they’ll listen to you, before you can make a sale. If you approach somebody once and you get no response, you can enquire again, “Hey did you get my email?” Don’t do it the next day. Do it the next week or even a couple of weeks. Or find out what their turn-around time is. Or, “Hey, I’m sending something to you, is it okay that I follow up with you? When would be a good time to do that?”

Kristene: From my experience—both for my own work and with organizations I’ve been involved with—if I throw out a bunch of press releases to various media outlets, a good response will be 25 – 50%. I think you have to be realistic about how many people will actually respond.

Anthony: One of the things I learned through sales training and reading over the years is that sales really is a numbers game. For every 20 people you talk to, 1 person is going to say yes. So when the first person says “No”, you say “YES!” because that means you only have 19 more people to go. And when the next person says “No” you say “YES!” because you’re that much closer to a sale. It’s total psychological BS that sales trainers put you through to motivate you to keep talking and to know that not everybody’s going to say yes, but eventually somebody will say yes.

It’s just knocking on that door, knocking on that door, don’t be a dick but…

Kristene: Keep knocking on that door.

So I’m an author, I’ve emailed you my press release or interview request and, wow, you said yes! I’m going to come in for my interview and I’ve never done this before. How can I prepare? How can I come in feeling confident?

Anthony: Nerves are a big problem for lots of guests. When someone comes in and sits down in front of that microphone, they might as well be standing on a stage in front of 300 people…

Kristene: With a firing squad in front of them.

Anthony: And with their pants on fire. All that at once. They’re scared. But the thing I say to them is that they’re the expert. They know more about their subject than anybody else in the room. So, even if they’re nervous, they just need to stay on topic. Authors just need to talk about what they know, which is absolutely everything to do with their story and the process of writing their book.

Practice your networking soft skills. I find if I make the effort to act almost like a superhero, to act like I really know what I’m talking about, if I start “up”, with lots of energy, then things go well from there.

Kristene: Yes, come in to the interview with energy. That makes a big difference.

Anthony: We’ve had guests that come in “down”, which means we have to lift the energy a thousand times more and carry it through the show.

Don’t come in tired. Don’t come in hungover. Make that good first impression. When you’ve got that microphone in front of you and the host says, “How are you doing today?” don’t give a tiny church mouse response. Say, “Great, Kristene! I’m a little nervous, but I’m here!” Put some life in your voice.

Kristene: Remember the listeners.

Anthony: The listeners are out there. The energy needs to carry out. That first impression is going to give people so much information. As long as you have some life in your tone, people will listen. But if you’re a soggy diaper right out of the gate, they’re going change the channel.

Kristene: Something else I’ve noticed from my time here is that often the people who come with a ton of notes have the least interesting interviews because they’re so focused on the notes. The people who come with a few notes for reference but who know their subject and come to have a conversation and talk to us and interact with us, that makes a big difference.

Anthony: Yes. I once interviewed a woman who was so nervous you could literally hear the paper shaking over the air. With every question I asked her, I could see her eyes scanning the page, looking for the answer. I did not give her that question in advance. I don’t give anybody questions in advance. But she was looking for the answer because she was so nervous and so uncomfortable in her own skin.

What makes a difference is the soft skills of how you interact before the interview, the high energy you keep during the interview, and the realization that the only person you’re talking to, literally, is the person in front of you. You’re not talking to “thousands of people”, you’re talking to Kristene.

Kristene Perron and Anthony Sanna on Kootenay Morning

You’re just talking to us. See how fun we are?

Kristene: The other thing I’ve noticed is that we tend to plan very open ended questions. Our hope is always that the person we’re talking to will take the ball and run with it. So a radio interview is one of the few places you really don’t have to worry about being a chatterbox because we want you to talk. A simple question can lead to a much bigger answer, we just open the door. That would be one of my pieces of advice, just GO! Talk!

Anthony: Bad radio is when you listen and it’s 80/20. That means 80% of the time the interviewer is talking and 20% of the time the guest talking. Know that while you’re there you might as well be the queen. Everyone is there to make you the star. Go in knowing that you’ll get a lot of “So what was that like for you?” and then the interviewer will shut up. In fact, that’s one of the most common questions you’ll get. The interviewer(s) want you to talk.

Kristene: Yes, unless they’re giving you the “hand slicing across the throat” signal, talk, talk, talk!

Anthony: There will always be time constraints but trust that you’re in capable hands and the interviewer is going to help to get the best of you out on front of people. It will be the best conversation you’ve ever had.

Kristene: And you might just win over a few new readers!

Thanks to Anthony for sharing his thoughts on radio and marketing for authors. If you have any questions, feel free to drop them in the comments. I’d also love to hear any of your radio/podcast tips!

Anthony Sanna radio host

Anthony Sanna

What do you get when you mix the 5th born dyslexic son of Sardinian immigrants with a wicked sense of humour and lousy math skills? You get Anthony Sanna, the producer and host of Kootenay Morning, Fridays on Kootenay Co-Op Radio.

Anthony is also an online marketing smarty pants specializing in YouTube video production, email marketing for business, web development strategy, social media community management, radio program production, audio editing, digital photography, copy-writing, and more.

In his spare time, Anthony likes to wear nice sweaters.

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Small Pond: Why Indie Bookstores Matter to Small Places

Posted on April 22, 2015 by clubfredbaja

I could wax poetic for hours about the experience of walking into my favourite indie bookstore—the creak of the floor, the neighbourhood cat who wanders in and out, the cozy nook by the front window that tempts you to sit and read…just for a minute. What I want to talk about, though, is the vital role of the indie bookstore in a small town.

In Nelson BC, population 10,000, not including neighbourhood cats, the city’s literary heart is Otter Books on historic Baker Street. But Otter is not just bricks and books. For its size, Nelson hosts a lot of literary events and at most of those, in some form, you will see Otter Books. Somehow, this small store with only a handful of staff manages to support festivals, competitions, book launches, and readings year round.

My fondest Otter Books memory may be the image of Otter’s diminutive owner Letty Bartels sitting at the book sales table for the launch of Deryn Collier’s Confined Space, with a massive stack of cases of beer towering behind her. (The aforementioned book is set largely in a brewery and the launch was held at the Nelson Brewing Company).

Books may be inanimate objects (on the outside), but spreading the joy of reading requires movement and action. Nelson’s reputation as a thriving literary arts community is owed in no small part to Otter Books and the wonderful people who get involved, who bring books out to the public, who work hand-in-hand with non-profit organizations to share the joy of words.

For local authors, sequestered in the remote Kootenay wilderness, cut off from the bright lights and hub bub of Vancouver or Calgary, Otter Books offers the opportunity to be a big fish. It is not unusual to find the works of Kootenay authors featured prominently on the Otter shelves or in its windows. Photos of local authors adorn the store’s wall. And, for the social media crowd, Otter tweets and Facebook posts spotlighting local authors abound.

Indie bookstores are important everywhere but in a small town or city they are so much more than just a place to buy books.

When you step into Otter Books, you are not just stepping into an indie bookstore, you are stepping into Nelson’s indie bookstore. Community pride shines through on every shelf and every welcoming smile. The literary heart of our little city beats strongly—we may be small but we are loved.

Otter Books with Kristene Perron, Anne DeGrace, Deryn Collier, and Samara Nichols

(L to R) Samara Nicoll of Otter books, authors Deryn Collier, Anne DeGrace, Kristene Perron. Photo: Will Johnson

On Saturday May 2, 2015 I’ll be joining my fellow authors Anne DeGrace and Deryn Collier as we celebrate Authors for Indies Day at our beloved Otter Books. We’ll be taking two hour shifts in the store, talking to customers about the books we love and making recommendations (we’re also hoping to get a few recommendations ourselves!). If you’re in Nelson, stop in, say hi, browse, read, buy a book…or two…or ten!

You can also visit Otter Books on Facebook and Twitter.

If you’re not in Nelson, check out the Authors for Indies website to find out what’s happening with your local indie bookstore. You may get to rub elbows with your favourite author!

Got a favourite indie bookstore? Tell us about it in the comments.

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Welcome! 10 Tips to Help You Not Feel Like a Lonely Outsider

Posted on April 15, 2015 by clubfredbaja

Welcome CarpetIn ten days, I will be attending, presenting and blue-pencilling at the Creative Ink Festival in Burnaby, BC. (*Update: This year the festival is May 6-8) And while I know that any event created and hosted by Social Ninja Extraordinaire Sandra Wickham couldn’t be anything BUT friendly, fun and inclusive, I also know there will still be a few attendees who will feel as if they don’t fit in, feel unwelcome, feel lonely. Sadly, that is simply the nature of public events, and public events like SFF cons and festivals tend to attract a lot of folks who don’t feel exactly socially adept to begin with.

Geeks and nerds can feel unwelcome even among other geeks and nerds, shocking, I know.

There was a time, not all that long ago, when the person feeling out of place would have been me—equally shocking, I’m sure, to those who have met me in real life and know how utterly socially shameless I can be. (Especially shocking to those who have met my wicked social alter-ego, Sheba, Dancing Queen of the Desert). Let me assure you, my shamelessness was hard earned and came with a good dose of ego bruises and pity parties.

I was well into my twenties before the thought of calling a stranger on the phone and asking a simple question didn’t leave me in a cold sweat. I’ve always been fine on a stage but as soon as I had to be myself in any kind of social situation I panicked.

I do not have tons of cons and festivals under my belt, I’m not a best selling author or some kind of important public figure, but after a lot of years of self-training I can walk into just about any room and feel comfortable and happy.

There are no easy tricks or tips to bursting out of your cocoon and developing social prowess but I do have some wisdom to share that I’ve gathered through my years of social faux-pas and f**k-ups. I want to inflict this wisdom on you in the hopes that if you’ll be attending the Creative Ink Festival, or any other SFF con, or any social event, you might feel a little less uncomfortable and have a little more fun.

1. Keep busy/stay involved

When it comes to social situations, there is nothing worse, in my opinion, than being around a big group of strangers and having nothing to do. Solution? Read a book!

*angry buzzer noise*

The chances of someone striking up a conversation with someone they don’t know while said stranger has their nose buried in a book? Ha ha ha! Ha! You need to stay busy without putting up the invisible STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME sign.

At cons or festivals, the simplest solution is to volunteer. Heck, most cons and festivals are always crying for volunteers. Sign up! A nice person will give you a job, often a job working with other nice people. Even if you’re just setting up chairs or handing out name tags, at least you’re doing something. Later, at the bar, you might see one of your fellow volunteers and you can have a good laugh about how that stupid stack of chairs kept falling over. Next thing you know you’re talking about how you both play Magic the Gathering, and off you go.

When I decided to go to Worldcon in 2012, I had no idea what to expect and I knew zero people who were attending. This was my first SFF con ever. EVER! I signed up to volunteer. The jobs were easy—I stacked books on one day, signed people in to coffee klatches another day (I even got to bring Chuck Wendig a coffee!)—and I met a few folks and, most importantly, I didn’t have to spend my first day feeling completely lost and out of place.

If there’s a way to be involved in the event, volunteer. Hey, sometimes you also get free stuff!

2. Be the change

It’s hard to be the person who makes the first move in a social situation—that first hello, that first introduction—but, if we’re going to connect, somebody has to make the leap. If you’re the person sitting all alone, hoping someone will come say hello, and you spot another person sitting all alone chances are they may be waiting for the exact same thing. Make the leap.

Look, this will sound harsh but it’s not everyone else’s job to welcome you. Social connections are a 50/50 deal. If you expect other people to connect with you, sometimes you also have to be the connector.

Furthermore, once you’ve made connections, once you find yourself inside the safety of a group bubble, then it’s more important than ever for you to be the one who initiates contact with the person sitting alone and maybe feeling out of place.

3. Practice

You may feel your social skills are non-existent but they are just that: skills. Very few people are born with high social IQ’s. Like any other skill, you can study, you can learn and you can practice. It may take years but—barring severe anxiety—if you really decide you want to be better at this social thing, you can be. Some of those goofy old self-help books actually have some stellar advice for how to make this happen.

4. Compliment–>Listen–>Engage

Who doesn’t like to hear something nice about themselves? A genuine compliment is a crazy simple way to open doors and strike up a conversation. The key word here is “genuine” because if you really do like something about a person you’ll probably have more than one sentence up your sleeve, which is exactly what you need for a conversation.

Clothing or costumes are a great start for conversation at SFF cons because the wearer almost always has some interesting story behind their shoes/funny t-shirt/Dalek costume. That’s step 2: listen. Really listen. We’re attracted to good listeners, and it’s a skill few people have. Also, if you listen well, there will usually be an opportunity for step 3: engage.

So you’ve told me that you love my “Mew-bacca” t-shirt. Well done! (I love that t-shirt). I tell you how it combines two of my favourite things—Star Wars and cats. Aha! You also love cats. You tell me so and ask me if I have a cat. (Engage!) I tell you that, sadly, I do not right now because I’m too nomadic but I do foster kittens for the SPCA. “Wow! That must be so much fun!” you say. Whereupon I bombard you with kitten stories and…voila! Look, we’re having a conversation.

Get it?

Get it?

5. You’re more interesting than you think you are

During a conversation with my friend Andy Rogers (who I met at Worldcon!), we laughed about how we live in these stunningly beautiful locations (British Columbia for me, Alaska for Andy) but we’ve been here so long that we forget just how stunningly beautiful they are until someone from a not-so-beautiful part of the world comes to visit. There are all kinds of aspects of our lives that are interesting to people who are not us.

Think about the place you live, the job you do, the hobbies you have, your history, your education, weird experiences, and somewhere in there I guarantee there is something I will be curious about. You don’t need to be James Bond to be intriguing. At a workshop I taught recently, one of the participants told me that she likes to do social experiments. Her latest was that she was going to spend a year only wearing clothes that she “found”. Who does that? Fascinating! I had a ton of questions for her.

Don’t write yourself off as uninteresting simply because you’re not a bestselling author or a movie star.

6. Prepare for rejection

Some people are not going to like you. Some people are just going to be jerks. Some people already have a tight social group that they don’t get to see very often so they want to devote their time to those people. Some people are tired or sick or just overwhelmed by the con experience. Some people are at the con in a professional capacity and don’t have much free time for chit chat.

There are a thousand reasons why you may get rejected or ignored by someone at a public event. It will seem impossible not to take it personally but, unless you really are being a jerk, you can’t take it personally.

Easier said than done, right? Story time!

Back when I was getting started on the path to becoming a professional stunt person, the only way for me to get a job was to call up stunt coordinators and ask. Remember how I said that calling strangers to ask a simple question used to terrify me? Well, imagine how I felt calling up Very Important Strangers (I did not know most of these people) to ask/beg for work? It was a nightmare.

For every 100 phone calls, I might get one job. Maybe.

The constant rejection was never fun but it did get easier as soon as I realized that 99% of the time it wasn’t personal. (And that 1% wasn’t big enough to care about). If I had taken those rejections personally I would have missed out on a fantastic career and ten of the most exciting years of my life.

Rejection never feels good but it’s also not the end of the world. Allow yourself a silent pity party, then move on. Don’t let one or two bad experiences prevent you from having an amazing con and meeting new and wonderful people.

7. Respect conversations in progress

Sometimes timing really is everything. The same person who may be delighted to meet and talk to you at another point during the event may be deep in a serious conversation that they would rather not have interrupted when you approach them. Part of the social learning curve is learning to read body language and subtle cues—this can take time but it’s good to be aware of.

8. The buddy system and social media

One of the benefits of social media is that you can get to know someone before that first awkward social interaction. I may have known zero people in real life before I went to Worldcon in 2012 but I did know a few people through Twitter. One of those people happened to be the very person who is hosting the Creative Ink Festival!

One little Twitter connection and a handful of online conversations would make all the difference to my con experience. Having even one person you know—even if “knowing” them consists solely of a handful of 140 character exchanges—could change your event experience from lonely and unwelcome to fun and friendly.

9. Take responsibility

Public social events are merely a platform. Some organizers do a better job than others to make sure guests have a good time but ultimately what they are providing is the opportunity for a “possible” good time.

Every December you see ads for big, fancy New Year’s Eve parties. These events usually cost an arm and a leg but the posters and ads look and sound sooooo glamorous! How could an evening like that NOT be fun? Easy, stick a bunch of strangers, with nothing in common except fancy clothes and enough disposable income to afford a ticket, in a strange place and watch them try to make small talk until midnight. Snore.

When I go to an event of any kind, I always have a Plan B in case it’s not my scene or I don’t enjoy myself. That could be as simple as treating myself to dinner and a movie, or soaking in the hotel tub while reading a good book. I accept that the only person responsible for my happiness is me.

Arrive at an event with no expectations, place the responsibility for a good time squarely on your own shoulders, prepare to take a few leaps of faith when it comes to socializing, and your odds of enjoyment will increase dramatically.

10. Look for the goofy grin!

Finally, if you find yourself at an event that I’m attending or presenting or blue-penciling at, come say hello. I’ll be the one with the goofy grin, probably laughing and/or talking about cats. If there is a person you never have to worry about being snubbed by, it is me. I love meeting new people and I talk to anyone. Seriously. Even if I don’t have a ton of free time, I will at least offer a friendly hello and that trademark goofy grin.

If you will be at the Creative Ink Festival, here’s my schedule. (*Updated for 2016) See you there!

If you’ll be at Sasquan in Spokane, Washington this August, you will likely find me at the bar. Same goofy grin but with bonus martinis. Hopefully you won’t meet Sheba but if you do please accept my apologies in advance. (*Updated: Sasquan was fantastic! Hello to all the new friends I met there! Hopefully I will be able to attend World Fantasy 2016 and I will see you in Ohio in October.)

Got a suggestion for being comfortable at a big social event full of people you don’t know? Share it!

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The Red Rabbit

Posted on April 11, 2015 by clubfredbaja

Angry scream on red backgroundYour pulse is at Mach 1. You can barely see straight. Your muscles tense. Everything else in the world has disappeared, you are hyper-focused. Any moment now, you will erupt.

No, I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about anger.

What is it about this emotion that overrides rational thought, logic, and control?

If you’re waiting for an answer from me, don’t hold your breath.

Of all the human emotions, anger is the one I have not even come close to mastering. Worst of all, anger breeds more anger. If jealousy is the green-eyed monster, anger is the red rabbit.

Recently, caught in the middle of an anger tornado, I dropped this post on Facebook:

Kristene posts on facebook about anger

I am bad at it. Some people, some amazing people with superpowers, can get angry, get the anger out, and let it go. Snap. Done. Anger managed.

I’m going to tell you about what happens to me with anger because maybe some of you will see yourself in this. And maybe some of you will have stellar advice for me? (HINT HINT)

First, because I know how terrible I am with this emotion, I avoid conflict as much as possible. Not as much as I used to—baby steps—but more than the average Joe. Even being around angry people disturbs me. I remember the fights my mom and sister used to have when I was a kid. My sister was just being a rebellious teenager, nothing new there, and Mom was just being a worried parent but, with ten years between my sister and me, those perfectly normal shouting matches cinched my six-year-old stomach into knots. I remember that feeling with perfect clarity. It was horrible. I felt scared and sick.

Whether it’s hardwired into me to avoid conflict or if I’m just an easy going person by nature is impossible for me to say. A combination of both, perhaps? But I do not come quickly or lightly to my own anger. I get annoyed here and there but most things that would upset other people just roll right off me. Prez says I don’t have a vindictive bone in my body. Josh says I’m a slow burn when it comes to anger. Whatever the reason, it takes a long time (glacially long) and a series of incidents or something big and genuinely distressing for me to cross into the anger zone.

But once I’m there? Hoo boy.

Anger flips in me like a switch. One moment I’m handling things fine, the next I am seeing red, I am consumed.

I usually don’t trust myself to confront the person or persons I’m angry with because I know I won’t be able to think clearly and get all the facts out while I’m in that state. Instead, I write a letter or an email. A long email. A very, very long email. I do this in the hopes that the person will read my calm and rational argument, understand how far they have pushed me, and respond with at least some kind of an apology and the beginning of a conflict-free dialogue to solve the problem.

This strategy is effective about 10% of the time.

The other 90% usually leads to the other person blowing up, getting defensive or misunderstanding what I’ve written, and the conflict escalating. From there, we’ll either end up in a knock-down-drag-out argument that eventually ends with concessions on both sides or I will disengage and walk away from the other person permanently. In both cases, there’s no happy ending.

While I am in the middle of these rare conflicts, I am a mess, physically and emotionally. My brain slips into conversation loops. The words I said, the words I wish I’d said, the words I want to say, the words the other person said, the words I imagine they will say…these are all I think about and they repeat over and over and over inside my head. I will replay a conversation hundreds of times, no matter how much I tell myself to stop.

I don’t sleep.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Sometimes my chest feels so tight it’s as if I can’t breathe.

I can’t work or at least I can’t fully concentrate while I’m working.

I pace and fret and stare out the window until I wear myself out.

This can last for hours or days. Sometimes weeks. All the self-discipline I pride myself on goes out the window.

When I’m in this state, all those things that usually roll right off me start to stick. The red rabbit breeds. Now, anyone and anything can make me mad. It’s as if I’ve been stripped of my clothes and someone is peeling away the layers of my skin until all my raw nerves are right on the surface—the slightest breeze feels like a slap. On top of that, I start to resent the person I’m angry at for the fact that they put me in this position.

Breed breed breed breed…

And when I’m angry on someone else’s behalf? When you’ve hurt someone I love? Take all of the above and double the intensity.

Now can you see why I go out of my way to avoid conflict?

The problem is that conflict is inevitable.

Some of my baby steps have helped. I am more careful about the people I allow into my inner circle. I say ‘no’ more often. I speak up about the “little stuff” so that annoyances don’t collect. I communicate my intentions more clearly and more often. I’ve lowered my general expectations of people. I recognize that the world does not revolve around me and my precious feelings. Even so, every now and then, the red rabbit bites me and I’m helpless all over again.

I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want every conflict to debilitate and exhaust me, to end in ruined friendships or resentment. I want to neuter the rabbit.

And this is the point in my post where I usually share the thing that changed my life and explain why and how everything is better now. Except it’s not. I’m still struggling with this one. So, instead, I will hold out my hat and humbly ask for tips, ideas, suggestions, or even just your thoughts on how to deal with my anger problem.

Help.

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