Every website has FAQ’s (frequently asked questions) but since just about everyone who reads this blog knows me and can just, you know, email and ask me stuff, I don’t think they’re very necessary or useful. Instead, I decided to add an SAQ (seldom asked questions) page.
The following are questions that very few, (if any), people have ever asked me. I hope you learn something valuable and walk away a better person.
The Coconut Chronicles – Seldom Asked Questions
Q: We all know now that the moon is not made of green cheese, (thanks to NASA for that), but if you could choose for the moon to be made of an edible product what would it be?
A: Easy: cotton candy. That way if aliens or a super villain ever blew it up, well, come on…it’s cotton candy. What’s it gonna do? Make the earth sticky and sweet? Oooooh, I’m so scared!
Q: What is your dream pet?
A: I have always wanted to have my own yellowtail. That’s a large fish. I would take him/her for walks by placing him/her in a tank and wheeling him/her around town in a red Radio Flyer wagon. Also, I once had a dream that I owned a miniature hippopotamus. I named him Hiedrich and taught him to swim in a deep puddle. He was surprisingly cuddly for a hippo.
Q: If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have one book, what would it be?
A: Believe it or not, I have only been asked this question once in my life and the answer has not changed. One book? The SAS Survival Handbook. I am on a deserted island after all; survival is key. Can War and Peace teach me how to extract water from the eyeballs of a fish? I think not. Keep walking Tolstoy.
Q: How many people read The Coconut Chronicles?
A: Less than a million. I don’t have the exact figures on hand.
Q: Why don’t you like watching other people trim their fingernails or toenails?
A: *shudders* Next question please.
Q: Of all the places you’ve lived in the world, which one had the best taxi service?
A: I have to say that Golfito, Costa Rica had the best and most efficient taxi service. You stand on the road and hold up fingers to indicate the number of people in your party. If the driver has room, he stops. If not, he makes a circle of his thumb and forefinger and drives on. You never get a taxi to yourself but you never have to wait long for one either. One time we bought this large, frozen yellowfin tuna from these guys who were walking down the road. Prez spotted the tuna and said, “Hey, let’s ask them if they’ll sell it!” So he did, and they did, for $20. But it was frozen and really, really heavy and Costa Rica was so hot it was like living in Kirstie Alley’s armpit before she joined Jenny Craig and lost all that weight, so we didn’t want to walk home with it. We flagged down a taxi for the two of us, but maybe we should have held up three fingers because the fish was quite large and even though we held it on our laps it kind of stuck out over the lap of the other passenger. But he was probably used to that sort of thing.
Q: Is there a disaster movie that hasn’t been made that you would like to see…in 3D?
A: Oh Cod yes! I think we’re long overdue for a movie about the collision of two luxury blimps.
Q: If you hadn’t grown up to be a vet assistant/stunt person/resort manager/handyman’s helper/web designer/writer what would you have liked to be?
A: I’ve always wanted to be Han Solo. Is that a job?