Dear family & friends,
Happy Ho Ho Ho-lidays! This year, Fred and I decided to send out our annual Christmas letter early because we won’t be making our usual trek south for the winter and also time has lost all meaning! Hooray!
Let’s see, what have we been up to this year? Well, salmon fishing was excellent this summer, I had a record tomato crop in the garden, we FINALLY got Fred’s truck bed spray-lined, and we’ve both decided to remove our human skin suits and reveal our true alien forms. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: Why did you wait so long to get the truck bed lined?? Crazy, right?
Life is a little more difficult now that we are no longer confined in our flimsy meat shells but, overall, we’re happy. The timing just felt right, you know? I mean, a year ago, the site of a couple of six-legged, scaled, fluorescent yellow, aliens with tentacles for arms—and mouths at the end of those tentacles (with razor-sharp teeth)—would have caused mass panic, especially on quiet little Quadra Island, but it’s 2020 baby! Nothing surprises anyone anymore.
Well, almost nothing. Yesterday I was picking up some Presto logs for dinner from our local grocery store and some woman started freaking out at me in the line. “IT’S UNNATURAL!” she screamed, pointing at the masks on all my tentacle-mouths. The store manager had to call the cops to drag her out. Poor guy, he felt so bad for me that he tossed in some free votive candles for our dessert. Gotta love small towns.
I do have to say that the events of this past year have really made us reflect on the home planet we left behind to make a better life. I’d share the name of our planet with you but there is no written way to express it and the sound, to human ears, is similar to the screams of a million cats simultaneously getting their tales stepped on while a Finnish death metal band performs a song about a million cats having their tales stepped on. So, let’s just call it Blerf, to make it easier.
Half of Blerf is covered in molten lava and volcanoes spewing molten lava 24/7, and the other half is covered in strip malls. As you can imagine, it’s awful. I still have nightmares about those Cheesecake Factory menus. Even so, when I lived there, I couldn’t understand how sometimes one of our “people”, despondent at the opening of yet another Halloween store, would simply walk off to the volcano side of the planet to end it all in a pool of molten lava…but then I watched Rudy Giuliani on a 55inch HD TV screen sooooo… I get it now.
I get it.
But enough doom and gloom. It’s almost our favourite time of year! We’ve started decorating the house with non-denominational Starbucks cups and singing our favourite carols…”Liberal snowflakes war on Christmas, fa la la la la la la la la!” Celebrating the holidays in our true forms is going to be so special and once we find all our cats, who ran from us in terror, it will be even better.
I would end by saying that I hope our holiday letter finds you well during these difficult times but I’m afraid you might think we’re trying to sell you something. (www.warpworld.ca) We’re not! (Available in ebook and paperback!) That’s just silly. (Volume 1 is free!) Instead, I’ll keep it real and remind you to keep at least one tentacle length away from others, wear masks on all your mouths in public, and for the love of Pete don’t eat at The Cheesecake Factory…ever.
I’m sorry if some of you have a difficult time with Fred and I revealing our real selves but please know that we fled a dystopian hellscape and since arriving on earth we’ve been hardworking, tax paying citizens just like you! Now, I have to wrap this up because Fred says there’s an ice delivery van out front asking for us. Our neighbours must have sent us some extra ice for the egg sacs we fertilized in the hopes of raising a family. So thoughtful. Gotta love small towns!
Happy Holidays from our home to yours!
Kristene & Fred