No Kids, No Pets

Hello again from, (yet another new), home!

Good thing Mom keeps our address written in pencil.

Yup. Once again, we have relocated. This time the impetus, as you may have gathered from the last Coconut Chronicle, was the very young and noisy downstairs tenants.

For those Nutters not familiar with the ins and outs of renting in Nelson, let me explain how it works.

1. The Search

The first problem with living in a highly desirable, small town is that the competition for living space is fierce. You must chain yourself to your computer and every five minutes refresh the handful of websites that show rental listings.

He who hesitates is homeless.

The second problem is cost. If you want to live in Mountain Mecca, expect to pay for the privilege. Any place built after 1990 is going to be ridiculously pricey but heat efficient, any place built before 1990 will cost you more than a monthly payment on a small car to heat during the winter. And winter, it seems, lasts about 7 months here.

Examples of common ads for rentals in Nelson:

Luxurious lakefront home! 6 bedrooms, gold-plated appliances, jet boat and dock, best views of everything anyone wants to look at, manservant, satellite TV (private satellite), 2000 sq/ft deck overlooking lake and exotic bird aviary. $7000/mo + utilities. No smoking, no kids, no pets, no touching of anything; 20 year lease, credit check, references and CIA interrogation required.

Rustic living! One room cabin, located a convenient 36-minute drive/ferry ride from downtown Nelson. Utilities included (must provide own axe and buckets to haul water from creek). 4×4 vehicle and/or dogsled team required to access property. Kids, pets, smokers and wanted fugitives welcome! $300/mo (cash only please).

Room in shared environment of peace and enlightenment! Large room for rent in character home. We are a group of six happy souls, three happy dogs, one happy iguana and the spirit of an ancient medicine man, who enjoy gardening, drum circles, aromatherapy, meditation and connecting with Gaia. Prefer 47-year-old, vegan, single female with bio-diesel vehicle.

2. The Strategy

As you quickly discover the rental landscape in Nelson is as bleak as Saskatchewan, it’s time to take your search to the next level.

Enlist the help of friends to help with your search. Beg, plead, show them the bags under your eyes after too many sleepless nights listening to 23-year-olds partying. Bribe them with smoked salmon. Be shameless.

Write an online ad, extolling your virtues. Something along the lines of: “We have NO CHILDREN OR PETS. None. Zero. Zip. In fact, we don’t even have pictures of pets or children. We are terrible gardeners; so no grow ops here, no siree! We can fix anything! We are OLD, never play our music loud, and go to bed at 10pm! One of us is an obsessive compulsive cleaner! Did we mention we have no children or pets?”

3. The Close

When you manage to find a place, seal the deal and get your stuff in as quickly as possible so they can’t kick you out without 3 months notice. If this means moving in before the other tenants are out, so be it.

Then start shopping for pets.

So, we are now installed in our new digs, a block away from the old digs. The new place is…weird. There is a massive spiral staircase that takes up approximately a quarter of the place, which leaves us with all kinds of nooks and crannies that are too big to leave empty but too small to put furniture in. Our living room is kind of mashed in with our bedroom but at least we have a real dining area now, one that doesn’t have to be moved around when we want to have guests over to watch a movie. And there are so many doors that lead outside I’m afraid of getting lost. But otherwise, I love it.

Best of all, no one lives above or below us!

A new kitchen for Fred!

Bedroom, living room, office…and stuff

A lovely waste of space!

Oh, and as a side note, we have started yet another new business. We made an executive decision to not abuse our bodies with construction work this year. Instead, Prez will be making all kinds of garden goodies such as pergolas, arbors, swings, planters, etc.

Check us out!

Fred, who was raised by ninjas, in his shop

Until next time, I hope this finds you healthy, happy & lovin’ life!

The Princess

This entry was posted in Humour and satire, Nelson - British Columbia and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to No Kids, No Pets

  1. john dyck says:

    Looks great! Nice meeting you at Tim and Becky’s

  2. john dyck says:

    see you in August

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