Countdown to Helmi and other news

again from the Big Blue! 

Six more
sleeps until the Transporter, aka Helmi the Wonder Editor, arrives! She is
certainly going to need a vacation after the work out we’ve put her through.
Our emails have been something like this:

Mar 5, 2008

Hi Helmi, 

Could you please bring us 23
ceramic roosters? We’re not too fussy about colour but they need to be between
two and three inches high. Thanks


Mar 7, 2008-

Hi again,

About the ceramic roosters,
we’ve just learned that colour is, in fact, important. Please make sure they
have blue bodies with yellow heads. Oh, and I made a mistake, they should be two
to three feet high, not two to three inches. Doh! My bad. Thanks!


Mar 9, 2008

Guess who? 

OK, apparently Customs will
not allow more than five ceramic roosters into the country at a time –
something about import laws. Jerks. So scrap all the roosters. I hope they’ll
give you your money back??!! Instead, I’ve ordered a giant panda from Amazon.
It’s being delivered to my friend on Baffin Island and he’s going to transport
it to you on his private plane. Technically, he’s not supposed to do this so
he’ll be landing in a field near your house. Keep your eyes peeled! I know this
is a bit of a headache, and I imagine there will be a ton of forms to fill out,
but we’ve got a real bamboo problem on the property and we figure a panda would
be just the thing to keep it in check. You’re the best! Thanks!


Mar 12, 2008


They’re an endangered
species?? Well, how was I supposed to know? Seriously, Customs are so fussy. So
here’s the list as it stands: 

– 1 crate of Skittles (all
green Skittles removed)

– The complete Harry Potter
series translated to Sanskrit

– Five ceramic roosters,
blue bodies with yellow heads, two to three feet high (did   I forget to mention we wanted them again?)

– 15 packages of Lipton
Cup-o-Soup, Chicken Noodle flavour (the one that says “now more noodles!”)

– Nail polish – Colour,
“Cherry Crush” (can be found at the Pharma-Save in Quesnel)

– 157 bars of Lindt dark
chocolate…only 85% cocoa please

– One medium centrifuge
(don’t ask)

I hope you have all that! I
just have one more teensy weensy favour to ask. During your stopover in LA,
you’ll see a Mexican food place – I think it’s called El Taco, or La Taco (I
can never remember if taco is feminine or masculine). Anyway, here’s
what you need to do: Bring a small Styrofoam cooler with you. Order me a large
chicken burrito (no sour cream) and tell them you want it extra, extra
hot. Get them to wrap it up a few times then put it in the Styrofoam cooler. (It
would probably help if you bought a few of those instant hand warmers and put
them around the burrito). Then duct tape the cooler closed. If security asks
you what’s inside the cooler, or wants you to open it, just tell them you are a
doctor delivering a heart for an emergency heart transplant on Aitutaki and you
can’t open the lid or the heart will get contaminated.  

Hm, on second thought, don’t
tell them it’s an “emergency” transplant or they’ll wonder why you’re flying on
a regular flight. Just say it’s for a transplant and don’t specify the urgency.

I’m so excited! I can’t wait
to see you Julie…er…uh…I mean…um…what’s your name again? Oh, that’s not
important; we’re going to have a fabulous time!  

Hug, hug, kiss, kiss,

The Princess

p.s. – make sure you ask for
extra hot sauce with that burrito. Thanks! 

I bet
you think I’m exaggerating? HA! Poor Helmi, we have had her running all over
town with our crazy requests.  

Let see,
what other news do I have for you? Well, there was a bad scooter accident a few
nights ago. Surprise, surprise. A girl was air vac’d out to New Zealand with a
head injury. The police – those paragons of justice – took a look at the
accident scene and declared, “It’s both their faults.” Ah, CSI they are not.

Do you
know what the requirements are for a motorcycle license here? Two dollars and
fifty cents. You go to the police station and, if the police officer is not
busy painting someone’s house or DJ-ing at a club, you put your money down. The
officer will ask you, “Can you ride a scooter?” (A technique he learned
after extensive training with the CIA and FBI, respectively), to which you
reply, “Yes”. Then he writes you out a license. If you are stupid enough
to answer “No”, you probably shouldn’t be operating any motor vehicle

killed another rooster. Our total is up to three on-purpose kills and one
semi-accidental kill. Prez has rigged up a trap made out of 2×4’s and chicken
wire (note the irony), under which he leaves bits of bread to entice the
cock-a-doodlers. The trap is either devilishly clever or the roosters are
completely brainless, (I’m voting for brainless). Once trapped, they make a
great deal of noise. Not a good idea because this only reinforces our urge to
smite them. If they were smart, they would lie down and be perfectly silent.
When Prez comes towards them with the machete, they should point at their
throat and wheeze out, “Not me…laryngitis.”

kill usually buys us a week of peace and quiet. Believe me, it’s worth it, not
least of all to watch my machete-wielding husband with that half-crazed, “Lord
of the Flies” expression on his face. 

Oh yeah,
and I’m mad. Not just irked or bothered but really, really peeved! I’ll give
you a little back story first: Prez and I watch very little TV, even when we
have cable, with its 756 channels. He enjoys his UFC (men in underwear beating
each other senseless) and I watch the Simpsons (witty social commentary), and
we both tune in for various Star Treks. We find the majority of TV programming,
particularly episodics and series, to either be utter garbage or requiring a
level of consistent viewing we simply can’t commit to. We once watched an
episode of “Lost” at the Kozak Mansion and we were…lost, that is.
There’s no way we can keep up with a series like that, our lives are far too
scattered. And woe to the friends who try to watch it with us in the room – “Who’s
that?”, “Why are they doing that?”, “What’s that room?”, “Is this a
flashback?”, “Why don’t they just make a signal fire?”
, etc.

So, a
few years back, freshly arrived in civilization from parts beyond, we decided
to go catch a movie. I’d read a blurb about this show “Serenity”, a sci-fi
based on a canceled TV show, and off we went. As we sat in the theater,
watching the credits roll, our jaws scraping the floor, we looked at each other
and said, “What TV show? And why the hell was it cancelled??!!” I looked
up the name of the short-lived series – “Firefly” – and few years later, in
Nelson, we found the entire series for rent in the local video store. We
watched them all, back to back, and again, looked at each other and said, “Why
the hell was it cancelled??!!”

cancellation of Joss Whedon’s brilliant series, “Firefly”, is the greatest
tragedy in television history. Speaking as someone who has worked in the
business, is ultra-picky about TV, and loathes lame TV writing, this is the
best series ever produced.

Here, on
our little patch of sand, we have no TV. We rent DVD’s but most of them are
pirated. I’ve ordered a few documentaries through Amazon but recently I decided
to buy the “Firefly” series. We watched the whole thing again. Still every bit
as amazing. Then we watched it again. Flawless. We’re on our third run through.
For us to watch a non nature documentary more than once, is unprecedented. For
us to actually buy a TV series? There was a time I would have told you that
would never happen.  

Why am I
mad? Because I want more! Thirteen measly episodes of the single best series
ever made, that’s all we got. I say we grab the torches and pitchforks and
storm Fox’s head office!!

seriously – rent the series. Even if you’re thinking, But I don’t like
, trust me, you’ll like this. Then rent the movie “Serenity”. Then
buy a stack of postcards to send to Universal and start demanding more! (Oo, I
like being a rabble rouser!) Long live the revolution!! 

Why are you just sitting there? Go rent it, now!!

next week, I hope this finds you healthy, happy & lovin’ life!


p.s. –
Big hugs to HQ who is back home after successful surgery to remove cancer from
his lung. And bigger hugs to Mom II who has to nurse the old curmudgeon! Love
you guys! xoxoxox

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