Cat-astrophe

As I’ve been very busy this week, my faithful & loving cat, Emily, (hey what’s with all the laughter?) has graciously offered to write my Chronicle for me. Enjoy!

Hello from some stupid place I hate!

So it’s a new year, big frickin’ hairy deal. You know what that means to me? It means another year of being stuffed into the truck, driven 8 billion miles away to some strange new place with my humans telling me about how much fun it is to travel. Yippee.

Humans are weird. Take mine for example. All they do is complain about how much snow there is and then they get all excited about going to a solstice party…outside…in the snow. How stupid is that? “Oh it was so fun. There was an ice rink for the kids, and a bonfire, and everyone brought something to sacrifice on the fire to make a wish for the New Year!” Ice rink? Stupid. Bonfire? Stupid. Sacrifice? Well, I guess if you were throwing mice on the fire that would be OK but all that people put on were magazines, old school notes, wooden masks, and other junk like that. Stupid.

Then my humans decided we should drive to Mexico. Oh great, more hours stuck in the truck. But first we had to make an extra trip, way out of the way, just so they could surprise their friends Patty-Cakes & Martha by showing up at their New Year’s Eve Party. Please explain this tradition of New Year’s Eve parties to me. I mean, you get all dressed up, drink far too much, and cause a big ruckus at midnight simply because it is now 365 days since the last time you had this ridiculous party. You want to know how I celebrated New Year’s Eve? I slept. You know what my resolutions are? Sleep and eat more – I think I’ll manage to keep them, unlike my mom who is determined to floss more this year (ha, like that will happen).

So they went to their party. But before that we had to spend two days back living with the Kozaks again. Of course I was expected to be the security patrol at the mansion, which is an incredibly stressful job and involves lots of walking around. Thanks to me, everyone could relax but did I get any extra treats? A mouse to torture…er…”play” with? Some tuna perhaps? No. But, oh boy, they had fun watching Tweeter’s new home theater system at work. Why do humans enjoy watching other humans so much? You should have heard them: “Wow! The people on the screen are almost as tall as us!” Ridiculous.

When they weren’t watching the gargantuan screen, they were busy sucking up al the food Kozy kept cooking (he didn’t cook anything for me so I hacked a hairball on his rug – I will not be ignored).

And tomorrow it’s back in the truck for yours truly. I’ve been informed that we are going to drive straight through to 29Palms, California. I have no idea where that is but I’m positive I’ll hate it.

There’s all kinds of talk about meeting up with Miz Liz and some characters named Dennis & Meg to go hiking in Joshua Tree National Park. Hiking? What fool invented this sport? I mean walking around just to look at stuff, not walking to go find food or walking to go kill something, just walking. In what universe is that considered fun?

You’d think after making me suffer so much they’d take me back to my home and my nice shag carpet but noooooooo. No, after that, they want to drive more. They want to drive all the way down to Baja – again. Haven’t we already been there 2 trillion times? Here, I’ll save them the trip – cactus, sand, water. OK, can we go home now? And they don’t just want to drive down to Posada where at least I can curl up under a bed somewhere and kill the odd mouse, no that would be too considerate of them. They want to “camp” all over the place. If hiking is dumb, then camping is dumb x 1 million.

Well, I’ve really had enough of talking to you people. I don’t know how she does it every week, their lives are really not that interesting – trust me. Besides, it’s a new year and I have to get going on my resolution to sleep more.

Until never, I hope this finds you not being as stupid and weird as you were last year…but I’m not holding my breath.

 The real Princess – Emily

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