The First Cut is the Deepest

Hello again from the land of whales, Wallys and wetness!

Wow, I just got out of the shower and feel vaguely human finally. Shall I backtrack a little?

OK, the long awaited visit to the specialist arrived and the Prez and I
made the two and a half hour trek to Nanaimo to see him. He was slick,
he was professional, he reminded me of Detective Joe Friday:

"So how long have you had this problem?"
"Oh about ten years but the last two have been particularly bad."
"Where is the pain?"
"Well, it moves around and it’s really making life uncomfortable for me. Why just last week…"
"Just the facts Ma’am."

So Dr.Friday did the full exam and decided it was one of three things
or a combination of all three. He said that I should have a laparoscopy
to confirm whether there was indeed any endometriosis and then we could
move on from there. For those of you who are wondering, "Laparoscopy" comes form the Greek word, "Laparosca" which means: "poke you full of holes and prod around your insides for a bit".
Alright, a laparoscopy involves making two incisions – one just below
the navel and one slightly below that – your abdomen is pumped up like a balloon with Co2 then a doctor inserts a tiny
camera and some other instruments and scopes around for problems. If he
finds any endo he will burn it away if it is safe to do so. This is a
day surgery and because we may be relocating out of the country we told
Dr.Friday that we needed the day to be soon.

He said, "I can get you in on Friday" and Friday it was.

Day surgery, at least in Nanaimo, is remarkably streamlined. I felt
like I was in line for a ride at Disneyland. You know how they set up
the line ups so that they just don’t seem that long and there’s always
something to distract you? I was moved from room to room,handed forms
to fill out, undressed, re-dressed, interviewed, weighed, tempertature
taken, blood pressure measured (at least five times), interviewed
again, rolled around on the gurney, covered up, uncovered, re-covered,
warm socks put on (mmmmm, warm socks), assured, re-assured and
re-re-assured that I was in good hands. Then I was loaded up with
anesthetic and the ride began. Good night everyone!

Isn’t anasethetic eerie? When you fall asleep, naturally, and then wake
up you are still conscious of the fact that some time has elapsed;
that’s not the case with anasthetic. One minute you are lying in the
operating room counting to ten and the next minute you are in a room
full of sleeping bodies, with a very sore throat. I remember the first
time I was knocked out – I had four impacted wisdom teeth that had to
be surgically removed. I woke up and I remember thinking, quite cleary,
Wow, I am in so much pain. I really
need a pain killer of some sort. My jaw feels like someone’s taken a
sledgehammer to it. Hey, there’s a nurse, I’ll bet she knows where the
painkillers are. If I can just get her attention. Hey, how come my arms
won’t move? Why can’t I speak? Oh! She’s looking at me!! Yes! Here’s my
big chance all I have to do is say: please can you get me some
painkillers?’
The nurse leaned over me and smiled, "How are you
doing?" and I mustered all my energy and managed to say, "Hhhhhhhiii"
before I plunked back asleep again.

The laparoscopy went well, or at least I assume it did because I won’t
actually hear from Dr.Friday until tomorrow with the results. The ride
back home from the hospital was not one I’d like to repeat though. To
quote my friend Kozak, "Ucluelet is a native indian word meaning, long,
f@%*# ing, windy road!".

I read my little post-op booklets to make sure I did everything right.
I did not drink alchohol, drive a vehicle or operate heavy 
machinery after my surgery which was a real shame because I was just
itching to take our new D9 Cat out for a spin before backhoing the
yard. I’d like to translate some of the booklet for you all just in
case you have to go through this yourself some day.

#1. Discomfort in the incisions and mild cramping may be expected.

Translation: You will be in excrutiating pain. Forget all that stuff
about not drinking alcohol; have a bottle of gin handy at all times.

#2. You may shower 24 hours after surgery and tub bath after 48 hours.

Translation: You may shower but you won’t because the thought of putting hot water on your very painful incisions makes you feel like fainting.

#3. You may have intercourse as soon as you wish.

Translation: Yes. Right. Sure. The first thing you’re going to want to
do when you get home is have a good acrobatic romp with your partner
and hopefully he has a really large beer gut that will mash all your
tender insides to a pulp as you bump uglies. You may also do your 30
minute Power Abs workout, jump on the trampoline for a bit, or practise
your Riverdance moves – all of which will seem just as appealing as
intercourse.

I have to give my love and thanks to the Prez who has been the nurse
extraordinare through this whole thing. He even bought me a balloon for
after the surgey and I love it – even if it does say, "It’s a girl!"
(?). I also have to say that I am feeling extremely grateful to live in
a place where you can actually go to a doctor and a clean hospital and
get yourself all fixed up without selling everything you own to do so.
BC medical may not be perfect but it’s pretty darn good. And one last
shout out to nurses. I love nurses. I’ve never met a nurse I didn’t
like. They are the unsung heroes of the medical world.

The next Chronicle will be from back in the big city! Well, I’m off for
another little nappy-poo so until next week I hope this finds you
healthy, happy & lovin’ life!
The Princess

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One Response to The First Cut is the Deepest

  1. County says:

    Wow, I can\’t believe you got surgery so fast!!! Here it would take probably two months or more :sGlad to hear you\’re feeling better… Will you still be blogging after the move?

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