Parents prepare yourselves! What I am about to tell you is shocking and
horrifying and scary too. Yesterday, while I was walking through my
neighbourhood I saw…(are you sitting down?)…some children, small
children unaccompanied by adults, picking blackberries!!! I know, I
know. Almost unthinkable in this day and age. Oh the humanity!
Now before you call the local authorities, put down the phone, let me
finish (be strong). OK for those of you who may not know, blackberries
growing in the wild are on vines covered in large, deadly, pointy
spikes that can rip a childs’ flesh right open!!! Imagine some
innocent young angel being cut open and bleeding all for the sake of a
berry that can easily be purchased from the local grocery store. But
that’s not all! There are also bees that fly around where the berries
are, and spiders living among the vines and…I almost can’t go
on…dirt, yes, dirt that gets on the berries that the children could
consume without first washing and sanitizing!!! Where were the parents,
I ask you, where were the parents? Neglect, abuse!! (Note to self:
write letter to editor about irresponsible parents in Ukee).
Folks, I am a woman of action and I simply won’t stand for this. First
I am petitioning for the immediate removal of all blackberry bushes in
Ukee. Now, now, you bleeding hearts who think it’s important for
children to see blackberries, don’t worry – I’ve already thought of
that. I will create a building where children, accompanied by adults of
course, may come and view the blackberry bushes behind the safety of
thick glass. My "Blackberrium" will be exactly like experiencing
blackberries in the wild (for the low cost of $19.95 per person,
children under the age of 1 are free) without the danger! There will be
pickings twice a day where happy familes can watch trained experts pick
the berries. I’ll have an IMAX film, "Berry Extreme!" ,and a souvenir
shop and lovable berry-themed characters that you can have your photo
taken with ($9.95 per person) and, sigh, for those who insist
on actually picking the berries I will offer a supervised exhibit where
children (over the age of 16 and accompanied by an adult) wearing
protective gear, helmets and safety goggles can pick the berries
($29.95 per person for 3 minutes) and eat them once them have been
pressure washed and sanitized. (Note to self: Write several anonymous
letters to city council asking for a "Blackberrium" before I apply for
That sounds like an awful lot of work though, doesn’t it? Wait! I have a better idea!
I say we forget wild blackberries entirely. I mean who really needs
them? A few birds? Some bears – oh don’t even get me started on those! No, I say the blackberries should be put where they belong…on a farm, where all real
food comes from. I’m thinking that we can still offer kids the
blackberry picking experience from the comfort and safety of their own
home. I’m talking technology. I’m talking about a video game!!!!
Oh yes! In my game, children can pick blackberries to their hearts
content in complete safety. (Note to self: Begin writing Nobel Peace
Prize speech) It will have to be challenging though so there will be
bonus points if you use your martial arts skills to beat up the other
kids and steal their blackberries and even more bonus points if you
shoot down the police who come to arrest you for stealing (kids will
have their choice of weapons because choice empowers young people and
creates good self esteem). And don’t even start on me about the
violence, we all know there is no connection and besides I’ll put a big
sticker on in like "NOT FOR KIDS UNDER 17 YEARS OLD" and then we can
all be totally guaranteed that kids under 17 will never, ever play it. I’ll call it "Grand Theft Blackberry". Wow, sometimes I impress even myself.
Parents you can expect some flak from those left wing, do-gooders "Oh
but nature is important, children should experience it and learn to
protect it, blah blah blah". I’ll need your help and support because
they’re bound to bring up the fact that I don’t actually have kids and
well, that’s true, and not having kids means I can’t possibly know even
one thing about raising them – as I’m sure you’ll all agree. So I’ll
need signatures on my petition from concerned parents like you!
Well folks, gotta fly, I’ve got some blackberry bushes to go cut down before I have my afternoon martini and watch TV!
Until next week, I hope this finds you healthy, happy, lovin’ life and blackberry-free!
Removing tongue from cheek…