Hello again from the Big Blue!
Today I’d like to talk about the Glitches. What is a Glitch? Well, this is Prez and Princess slang and refers to a person who isn’t quite so mental that they need to be put on medication but who’s not quite normal enough to function well in regular society, either. We’ve seen our share of Glitches here at Perfect Beach Resort, most of the time we just chuckle and count the seconds until they fly away but recently we had a Glitch of a more sinister variety.
I call him Serial Killer Sal.
Prez met our man, SKS, at the airport and right away his Glitch radar went off. First clue? The hiking boots and knee socks – pulled right up to the knees. Because we see several world travelers and/or folks who’ve come from cold climates, it isn’t unusual to see people get off the plane with hiking boots on. They are heavy, bulky items that take up a lot of valuable luggage space. However, these boot wearers will roll their socks down, as it is so hot that they want the maximum amount of skin uncovered as possible.
Not SKS. Not only did he arrive looking for all the world like he was preparing for Oktoberfest, he left the boots and socks on long after he needed to.
This was not the creepy part, though.
Painfully polite, with a soft, British accent, SKS checked in and I thought he’d be just another quirky traveler. Nope.
There were questions, lots and lots of questions, including my favorite, “What should I do?” This, after I had specifically pointed out a booklet I put together with all kinds of information, including lists of activities.
Explain to me how a grown man, who is capable of planning and embarking on a trip half way around the world, cannot figure out what to do on a tropical island full of beaches and snorkelling?
Eventually, the questions became overwhelming. I was trying to sneak in some writing while SKS seemed determined to have me draw up an itinerary for him. I, politely, told him he’d have to figure it out for himself and locked myself in the bedroom.
Then came Saturday night and Prez and I decided to scooter off to Puffy’s for a quick burger. As always, we closed and bolted the front door but did not lock it. We also put up the “Closed” sign before leaving the property. We returned in the dark and the first thing I noticed was my large spray can of mozzie repellant sitting in the middle of the property, near where we park our scooters.
I knew it had been in the house, so how did it get out here?
My question would shortly be answered as the next thing we noticed was SKS, walking out of our house. We assumed there must be some kind of an emergency, why else would a stranger be in our house when we weren’t there?
Mumbling a string of apologies, the intruder was clearly caught off guard. “I thought you’d gone away for the weekend and I needed a few things since everything is closed on Sunday.”
Prez was very restrained but still questioned the guy. Couldn’t he see the door was bolted, that the closed sign was up, that the lights were out? Why would he ever think we’d leave the property without first telling our guests? Why the hell was he in our private residence without our permission?
After more apologies, SKS returned to his hut. A few minutes later he came back with our commercial insecticide in his hands and the supply of toilet paper we keep for the public toilets.
Again, I ask, what the…?!
Despite his beyond-lame excuses and fervent apologies, Prez and I found ourselves rattled by this occurrence. Why had he taken all the toilet paper and the bug spray? Very odd. We also found books open that we both knew we had left closed, obviously SKS had been having a good look around before he was so rudely interrupted by our return.
I’ve never been robbed but I think I can now understand how it must feel afterward, that sensation of someone violating your personal space. For the first time in almost a year and a half, Prez and I locked all our doors before going to sleep that night. We also made sure we had a couple of blunt objects within reaching distance should our Glitchy friend come calling in the middle of the night.
I suppose you could argue we overreacted, that the man probably just has a minor malfunction and made a serious error in judgment, but it’s more than that. Trust me.
Have you ever been around a person who, for no logical reason, gives you the creeps? No matter how normal they may seem, that little voice in your head is screaming at you, “Danger! Danger!” Well, that’s how it was, for both Prez and I, with SKS. Even before the break in episode, something about this guy just didn’t feel “right”.
“He’s like a British version of Norman Bates,” I told Prez, “the kind of guy who’s all smiles and manners and meanwhile keeps his dead mother in the attic.”
Sometimes I wonder about the glitches. How does it happen? Is it genetic? Is it their upbringing? We all have varying degrees of social intelligence but Glitches are missing some serious components in their social machinery.
Take the fellow who asked me, as he prepared to check out in the morning, “Is it OK, if I leave a dirty dish?” Ordinarily, I expect all guests to do their dishes before they check out but if someone leaves dirty plate or a glass I’m not going to make a fuss about it. I told him that would be fine. When I went into his hut to clean, I didn’t find a dirty dish, I found every single, possible pot, pan, plate, bowl and piece of cutlery, filthy and stacked in the sink, where the ants were enjoying a bounty of food scraps.
Come on. How do you not know this is unacceptable? If he had just left the property without saying anything, I would have simply thought he was an ass but he asked. Not only did he ask but he made sound as if he’d left only a single plate to clean.
There was the family who let their three year old son poop on the beach, as if he were using a giant litter pan. Yes, they cleaned up after him but that’s really not the point, is it? The kid, by the way, had been named after some South American town the father had fallen in love with. It was utterly unpronounceable. I asked him to repeat the name no less than six times and finally gave up and called the kid “Junior” for the two weeks they stayed with us. During those two weeks, we learned that the government controls the weather, aliens travel to earth frequently using secret vortexes, and there is going to be a neutron bomb deployed in 2012 that will wipe out the northern hemisphere. Oo, maybe we’d better stay on here a little longer?
There was the Glitch with the towel with all the signs of the zodiac on it…in various sexual positions.
Mr. Wu and Mr. Eddy, were the original Glitches from way back when. Prez and I still crack up when we imitate Wu, with his Vietnamese/Texan accent or when we recall how he would walk around the property, in the middle of summer, in his jeans, socks, running shoes, white t-shirt and fleece, mac jacket, compulsively knocking coconuts out of the palms. And who can forget Mr. Eddy, who came on a mission from god and lost his laptop and his pants.
Ah, the Glitches, giving me story material for decades.
What else do I have to tell you? Oh, just the usual, the island is out of petrol…again. The supply ship should arrive on the 24th. We’re also running out of staples such as flour and toilet paper.
Speaking of flour and flowers, I did two unusual things recently…I baked and gardened. Desperate for new food, I made pita bread and English muffins. The pitas came out perfectly, the muffins were not quite like the ones I’m used to but Prez seems to love them, so there you go.
You saw it here first, the Princess bakes!
The gardening came mostly out of necessity, since some tree branches were taking over my laundry drying area and the hibiscus plants were starting to resemble horror movie octopus.
Prez boated a monster tuna – as many of you have already heard. Sixty-six pounds was the official weight. He’s become quite the fishing icon here, though I’m sure none of you are shocked.
Oh, our buddy Ripster is on his way to Everest, yet again. You can read the expedition blog here: Peak Freaks News. Also, Peak Freaks has been featured in Hemisphere’s Magazine, (the in flight magazine for United Airlines), for their “Green” mountaineering practices. It’s a fantastic article and you can read it here: Is Everest getting even harder to climb?
That’s about all for now. The weather is starting to give us a break and let us sleep at night. Whew. Days are still scorching but they’re getting shorter so soon we’ll have some relief.
Have a hoppy Easter everyone!
QUESTION: Where do the Glitches come from?
Until next time, I hope this finds you healthy, happy & lovin’ life!
Tiger guards the water tank…